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Re: my mother died

Posted by alexandra_k on January 5, 2022, at 17:29:43

In reply to Re: my mother died, posted by alexandra_k on January 5, 2022, at 16:58:57

I mean... I did wonder, at one point, whether she was feigning paralysis.

Because I think she does have this pathology of a kind of infantile fantasy... Of her being a newborn and of other people doing everything for her. Feeding her. Wiping her *rs*. Changing her diaper. Sponge bathing her.

I think she was... Enjoying it.

I do think that.

And I did worry that she was going to remain like that (with the tetraplegia) for many months if not years... I think she might get a kick out of that. With a bell like... The guy on Breaking Bad...

That did occur to me.

Right from the very start she was talking about euthanasia. But it seemed to me to be in the spirit of saying it to see how I (particularly) would react.

There were a couple moments where her being able to move or feel was something that she would have perceived distinctly to be at her own advantage. And in those moments she was able to weakly move her hands... But from muscle in her forearm, I suppose. And she genuinely couldn't seem to feel them.

I suppose they could have given her an eipdural for pain. I don't know. I guess I think if lymph nodes were swelling to place pressure on the spinal cord it would likely be asymmetric rather than perfectly symmetric.

But I suppose it could be the case that the lymph nodes are anterior to the spinal column... And I suppose it could be the case the nodes were similarly swollen on both sides... They did say something about down along her spinal column multiple levels...

It is possible they gave her radiation treatment to buy her another week. Because christmas is important to most people.

She was pretending like she's only been the Christmas grinch very recently due to weakness from her slow-growing cancer.

But everyone in my family knows she's been the Christmas grinch since forever.

My sister is very very big on... Ritual? Normality. She's a f*ck*ng normal person. Things like birthdays and Christmas are important special occasions to her and she makes a real effort. From when I was little she made a special effort and always invited Mum. And Mum would go sometimes -- and everyone would go out of their way to make her feel happy and comfortable. And then she would choose not to go. And that hurt my sister.

Then, when my sister got married to her second husband (her first died of cancer very young) my Mother did not go to the wedding. And my sister was very clear with Mum about how important it was to her for my Mother to go to the wedding and so very important to her new husband for him to feel warmly welcomed as part of the family. And Mother did not go. And my sister never forgave her for that. Mum wanted to see photos of the even and my sister refused to show her them. She says she really really needed Mum on that day. And Mum had no reason not to go. Just that she didn't feel like it. It was too much effort for her to bus up or whatever... Even when my sister was prepared to go well out of her way to look after her once she arrived up there...

And so it was pretty sad that Mother is spending Christmas day in hospice. And one friend visited her. And I stayed with her... But she seemed very very disappointed that nobody else visited her that day. That my sister did not arrange for everyone to go to hospice and be with Mother rather than having the usual thing that she does at her place.

But Mother has been the Christmas grinch since forever. My sister said that it would really really hurt her that Mother would make such a big big deal of spending so much of Christmas day all by herself (in a way that was chastising of us for not spending it with her in her house -- when she did not offer to throw anything)...

And then spending it with relative strangers at church etc.




I feel I did what could reasonably be expected of me. The 'good daughter'. I think she did drown in her stomach bile. But I also suppose... It is fitting in it's own way. That it was what she wanted, on some level. And she had people wiping her *rs* and spoon feeding her etc etc etc for however many days.


The heart will want what the heart wants, I suppose.


I was feeling badly that I posted this stuff to a website saying about how helping doesn't make sense in highly competitive environments. About how it seems that the older generation needs to die so that the younger generation might or may live.

When I was an honors student I remember the Philosophy people saying (fairly honestly) on multiple occasions about how there was an entire older generation of philosophy people, in NZ, who would need to die, basically, before the likes of me would get a job, in NZ.

And I was thinking about senior people at NZ Universisties more generally, now, I suppose. Seeing that they won't sign their PhD students off unless / until they have forced them to work in excess of time (so overseas thinks they're retarded) or whatever... Not signing them off at all. Not processing their work. Not allowing people with the capacity to do anything. Not espousing academic values.

I was thinking about how the ruling elite in this country all seem to need to die so that I can have meaningful employment. They really seem determined to incapacittate and disable me, I don't really see how there is anyway forwards for me while they are still alive...

I was not thinking of my Mother as being a source of competition for me. Or as being a reason why I must be kept disabled and incapacitated.

But maybe she was.

Anyway... I certainly did not intend or mean to incite anybody to violence or anything like that. Again, I was reporting what various people had actually said to me about what would need to be teh case before I would be allowed to do anything at all in NZ.

She had all this money... What she would not do with it was transfer any of it to us in her lifetime.

I suppose I look at tying it up in investments overseas. I have seen no indication that NZ is willing or able to play by any of the most basic of rules... NOt rule by law. Would be insane to invest in people who have given no indication of integrity etc...

I met an uncle more recently... And my other sister... They have more florid communication problems and psych issues in the sense of being very reactive and potentially violent (flying off the handle).

But they are not me.

I don't know why our leaders are unwilling / unable to engage in genuine merit based assessment. Oh yeah I do: Corruption. Take what you can for as long as you can because you can helping me helpling me helping me help myself to you...


I did not like the look of the registrars because they were so obviously so very concerned about their look.

Stethescope around the neck... But she didn't appear willing or able to actually use it to assess any of the basic signs. It was just an accessory...

I'm sure she felt super-important being the only doc on the ward on a Sunday.


Telling me that the entire team had decided there was nothing they could / would do.

Without a second opinion. Without a surgical consult. Without radiation oncology assessing the radiation treatment they delivered 2 days prior.




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