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Re: Depression

Posted by Cherrybomb on July 1, 2008, at 14:51:19

In reply to Re: Depression Cherrybomb, posted by fayeroe on July 1, 2008, at 13:26:44

Well, where do I start. I don't have a problem with romantic relationships, I'm married and my husband is a great guy, but I never had close friends. I try. I can be friendly, funny, outgoing, but I've been hurt a lot in the past. I was always kind of shy, considered to be the most unpopular girl at school. Kids were extremely cruel to me to the point where I wouldn't sit with anyone on the bus because nobody wanted to sit next to me. I had nightmares about going to school for years and still do occasionally. To make things worse I can't have children. I got pregnant once through IVF but I had a miscarriage. All of my tests are normal so the only thing the docs can say is they don't know. I'm 41 now and my husband is 48 and he has pretty much accepted that we won't have children and thinks he is too old to pursue adoption or anything else. A few years ago I was on a trip with an organization I belong to. There was a guy I met and he, I and a couple of his friends hung out on the trip. It was the pick me up that I needed. It was nice to have someone give me a chance. We remained friends for a year then he found a girlfriend who joined the organization a few years after me. I didn't get it as my friend is married and 22 years older than this woman. I tried to remain a friend, but his girlfriend wouldn't allow him to be friendly to me. He tried, but he would eventually give in to her demands. I never thought that being his friend would be a conflict because I don't call him or hang out with him outside of the organization. We did however email for awhile and he was very supportive, but we don't email anymore. The reason it bothers me is because for some reason people always give up on me except for my husband. It can be for the most bizarre reasons, like an insecure 25 year old going after a 48 year old married guy. I do my best to hang out with other people in the organization. He said a few years ago that he values my friendship. The thing is, I believed him. I don't want anything romantic, I just wanted a friend to talk to. My failure at maintaining friendships has gotten to me and my defensiveness has led me to say things that were not so nice to him. I did apologize,but I think he has given up on me. I'm depressed about going to this organization now and I'm depressed about other things. I don't think that I'm a bad person, I just simply liked being valued. I was condemned for wanting to be a friend because she says it isn't appropriate. I liked having someone make the effort to be friendly to me as most other people will not. We used to have fun and joke around, now he is uncomfortable and he wants to avoid me. The biggest hurt to me was when he was going to give me a birthday card but his girlfriend got so upset they had a huge argument and they almost broke up. I'm not upset about not getting a card, I'm upset because I had no idea that someone wanting to give me a stupid card would cause such a huge argument. I see them both weekly and I don't know what to do, how to act, or how to respond. He won't socialize anymore as he seems more comfortable avoiding me. I tried to talk to her and resolve things, but I don't think that I can. I love my husband, but I can't rely on him for everything, he can't be the sole person in my life. We all need friends to rely on. If I rely on my huband for everything, I think it would be too much for him. Part of my problem is I thought of this guy as a friend and I don't know how to give up on people I care about.




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