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To Mom and Stepmom...... MomAndStep

Posted by jacs on December 18, 2007, at 4:37:14

In reply to Re: Narcissistic Mother/Parent + Dangers, posted by MomAndStep on December 1, 2007, at 22:50:41

Thanks for your post ... sorry for the delay...I have been in the midst of finals...though "midst" makes it sound like a fun thing..."middle" or "agony" would be better....."treacherous task" get my point.

You have your hands full. I will keep this book in mind though given your experience and my own, and many others no doubt, a large anthology could be written. A sort of "Mommy and Daddy Dearest"... it is early and my brain has spent all its precious cells on papers ( I am a theology major of all things....not as in "religious" and getting a degree as a minister, just religious studies as they relate to culture) My parents were totally non-religious so it makes sense that I study something they were not even remotely interested in.... :)

Yes, the advice I hear all the time is "run fast" makes me very sad. I want to call my mother (she is 81) but I am afraid I will get hurt. Afraid that I cannot protect myself from her...if I knew how to build a hardshell around myself, then I could do it, but I can't. The thought that I need to do that is also painful. I feel guilty for not seeing her (she knows this for sure and would play it up if she could). I spent Thanksgiving by myself and heard from no one. That is pathetic isn't it? Maybe it was safer, But it made me real sad.
But if I see her.... I know what will happen...just more pain and I am tired of it. I set myself up every time.

A friend once said that people like this have a "black hole in the 'need' department" -- so true. You will never fill it and they will do anything to fill it..... even at the expense of their children who I think at times they see as mere instruments --- not human with their own needs, like "love." My father was not much better, but he had the ability to show some affection for his kids, but he died when I was young. I remember him little, but I do remember my mother coveting him like a piece of property...she was not going to share him -- not even with his own children....that is beyond me.

Thank you for writing. Tough subject that I noticed has little commentary, which makes it interesting in that respect. I wonder why. I don't think it is just because people don't like to talk about their parents or that it is not socially acceptable, that is what many if not most ,seem to talk about these days. We like blaming them!... Papa Freud was on to something.....I am teasing, though he was. I don't blame, I just wonder how one can walk through life that blind and seem so unscathed emotionally or otherwise, while I walk with a chronic limp from the injuries...

The only thing I know, is that I need to do some work for myself and take a look and keep pushing forward and doing well in my studies and try to be a little more outgoing and have people in my life... I am so afraid of them...the feeling of being let down all over again it the part that prevents me from engaging. I can come to the rescue if there is a problem-- the urgency is a camouflauge (sp) of sorts-- getting near pain, but knowing you can leave it. This was not the case when losing my sister, that has been the hardest---- it is beyond my comprehension---that is another thing that there is little written on-- sibling loss...there is a little here and there-- web sites I would never go near, but when I lost her 6 years ago? Not even hospice could help....there was nothing and as you might have guessed....I could NOT go to my mother because the loss was strictly my mother's and no one elses.....

I do wish you luck and you sound like you have support. I don't have much of that, but I am trying to figure things out so that the next half of my life here is not as horrible as my parents has been.....ending some cycles is a good thing. I think the most important at this stage, though it has motivated me to speak up more, is to get rid of anger-- it is a killer-- a plague-- has a purpose at times, but there also comes a time when it is time to stop.

Good luck to you-- enjoy the season, such as it is.





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