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Going through phases of breakup

Posted by Squiggles on June 19, 2007, at 9:18:17

I think i'm going through phases now.

The pain part is getting manageable. The anger
a little more controllable, and now i have shame.

I am ashamed that i invested approximately 30 years of my life trying to help and love a mentally ill partner. All that time, support of partner's family, suicide prevention of partner, medical care, financial help, and appropriate job placement for high IQ of partner, patience--all that stuff that makes up love-- could have been better spent on some truly needy and deserving people.

For example truly disabled and poor kids, more attention to my family who was the butt of..., more attention to my friends, and more attention to myself.

Now, I am ashamed as i understand how the partner and a special friend and the world the partner live in, including partner's family, have always looked down upon me, corresponded humiliating remarks about me, never really appreciated nor wanted an ethnic outsider in their midst. Sometimes life can be full of nasty surprises.

It really has been my fault. And I'm ashamed.
This phase is tough, as it requires a decision of the heart and mind. The practical mess it has left is very problematic, as i am now middle-aged, poor, mentally ill, and without financial resources except from partner.






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