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Re: when is it abuse? gazo

Posted by Kath on April 2, 2007, at 13:51:12

In reply to Re: when is it abuse? Kath, posted by gazo on March 31, 2007, at 12:53:12

*****I personally tend to think it's abuse. There's one thing that you can say FOR SURE:

I FEEL ABUSED. Only YOU know how you feel & NOBODY has the right to try to tell you how you feel. Oh, people will try!! People do it with children........"No you don't hate Aunt BoBo hunny!!!" etc.********

>someone is telling you how good they are to you and how hard you make their life.

********abusers often try to make it the victim's fault. Do you have to stay with this person? First of all, do you want to? Sounds like a resounding NO. Do you 'have to' - for example, alot of women are trapped into a situation due to finances.****

> you can't see out of it. it bites into my own issues of worth anyway. it took over a year of it for me to tell ANYONE what was happening in my home. what none of the women's worker people understood was that i didn't feel like i could call it abuse. it does not feel good. it has took away the last of what little self esteem i has done a lot of things.

*********Remember "I feel" - it's a VERY powerful thing to say, even in your own mind. If you're with an abuser, probably the very LEAST you say, the better, because it'll be turned around & you'll end up feeling crazy. Maybe you can think of something that you DO feel OK saying, when you're talking about the situation. Like, for example: This behaviour is NOT acceptable to me. or I am NOT OK with this behaviour. or This feels like abuse to me. or This feels abusive to me. I don't know that I'd say it to HIM!!! You need to get some good support behind you & some help to get you feeling stronger before you'd do that probably.

Are you 'in touch with' why it's important to you to be able to label it as abuse? I'm saying that with a kind, loving smile!! I'm not trying to confront you! (((you)))*******

but i have no bruises... is it just a bad situation? am i overreacting? is it me? so i keep it to myself. i say we have "problems." i say i am sorry for making him scream at me. i try harder to make it better. i can't seem to be good enough.

***********There are ways of talking....I hope you can word things so that YOU aren't 'owning' something that isn't yours.

For example. If you say "I'm sorry I made you scream at me." That's not cool!! How about:
"I'm sorry you're reacting by screaming at me." Or instead of "I'm sorry I made you mad at me." you could say "I'm sorry you're feeling mad at me." Just a couple of quick thoughts about that.

Have you had very many appointments with the women's workers?? Please go to an abused women's centre ASAP & get as much help from them as possible. Please let them know exactly what you've written above, because to me it looks like CLASSIC abused-woman material.

Physical bruises are not necessarily part & parcel of abuse. If you're feeling like you've said above, I'd say you've very definitely abused. Sounds like you're fully in the thing of believing that it's YOUR fault. Of course you'd find it hard to label it abuse, 'cuz that would make it HIS fault!!! And he's using everything possible to make it YOUR fault. Sounds like he is being quite abusive & sounds as if you're getting beaten down lower & lower (albeit with no bruises!!).

I do hope you seek out help. Maybe it's not possible for you to leave. I don't know if women's centres try to get a woman to leave the situation in a case like yours. I suspect that they simply support you right in the place where you find yourself, physically, emotionally, spirituatlly.

Please keep being open.

luv, Kath

PS - please remove "I made you" from your vocabulary, OK? You didn't make him do anything!!!!!!!! :-)




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