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Re: Time for a *sex trigger** thread. Hubby/wife stuff muffled

Posted by happykat on December 30, 2006, at 16:02:46 [reposted on January 1, 2007, at 21:50:12 | original URL]

In reply to Time for a *sex trigger** thread. Hubby/wife stuff, posted by muffled on December 29, 2006, at 0:43:44

Hey Muffled,

I am soooo glad you brought up this subject. I am really struggling with this. BTW, I found the thread from last year really helpful too.

Up until recently I have always used alc.,tranq.,muscle relaxants,etc... to get through sex. Now I'm having sober sex and it is absolutely terrifying. I also hate the touch part and having a body laying on top of me. The first few times I ended up bursting into tears. My poor DH. I'm sure he was like WTF? We never have talked about it. I just kept saying, "It's me.It's me." Being able to dissociate during that time was a godsend. At least until I went in and told my T who said, "No it's not. You need to stay grounded and in the present...blah...blah..blah. Sometimes thats easier said than done.

She suggested I put 'little happykat' into a safe place so that the grownup happykat could work on these adult issues. (If only it were that simple.) She also suggested what Dinah mentioned about being the one to iniate and to maintain control over the activity. And also what Daisy mentioned about knowing its ok to say no.

I still think I would prefer a xanax, soma, drink, something to help me relax a bit. It somehow seemed to take the edge off the anxiety and make it tolerable, maybe not pleasurable, but tolerable.

I have done some mental imagery work where I take a hot bath beforehand to relax and mentally walk through the activity framing it along the way with positive thoughts and reaffirming thoughts, like DH loves me, I love him, this will feel good, etc...

One thing that has actually helped me as far as touch goes is hugging each other once a day. I know it sounds goofy. He has issues and is kind of cold too, so when I told him about this exercise he just rolled his eyes. At first we just stood and laughed but eventually we mechanically hugged. And it has gotten easier and better and is almost automatic now. And I'm learning its ok to be touched and allowing him to hug me without flinching or pulling away.

I think the idea is to take that concept and move it into the bedroom with more sexual forms of touching. So that you gradually desensitize yourself while learning to stay grounded and focused on touch at the same time. There is a good book by a sex therapist named Wendy Maltz called "The Sexual Healing Journey" that has a bunch of exercises and tips in it. She also has a website

Hope you're doing o.k.
happykat :)




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