Psycho-Babble Psychology | about psychological treatments | Framed
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just need to talk

Posted by b2chica on May 24, 2018, at 22:28:05

no need to reply, but i need to talk.
it has come to my realization that i feel more alone than ever. I do have 2 wonderful and amazing children, but they are children. My charges. not friends, not therapists, not co-workers, and i cannot nor would i ever start to burden them with my pain.
thus why i am here. (not to burden you guys, but i figure you can choose to not read and i will never know... and i am just fine with that as i know everyone here is kind in heart.)

but the pain of being alone has come to a complete worst. Right now, (well, for the last couple months or more) i have discovered that what i really need... all i really need is someone to just hold me and let me cry in their arms. Tell them my problems if i want to, but dont care/dont push if i dont want to.
and as much as i have been eluded otherwise, i do not have a single person in my life that i can do that with.
which is just rocket fuel for my suicidal ideation.

it is not depression this time. This is why i am so scared. So much more sad, so much more wanting to cry; realizing i have no one to cry to; realization of my island existance; making the unbearable pain in my heart leak like toxin into the rest of my soul.
Yes, there is God... but as we all know there is no physical touch included in that relationship. And as a human being, i realized that i have not been held, caressed, touched lovingly or been cuddled with in about 7 months (other than my children which again is not the touch i need). And i'm not talking about sexual intimacy....but love. Real love.
that doesnt ask questions
that doesnt judge
that doesnt try to 'fix' me
that doesnt belittle me
that doesnt degrade my being/sense of being
and the love that doesnt want ANything from me other than my presence.

i'm sure right now most people reading this are probably saying 'honey that doesnt even exist'. but it does. i know it does.
I give it.
and i've seen it before in many couples.

ok, i need to cut myself off here. but i have more... so much more i need to say.

-by the way, now that i have been at my worst even my T and pdoc aren't here. My T has been very packed the last few months and its hard to even get my 'regular appt time unless i book a month or more ahead of time. my pdoc is gone for a few weeks.
Which once again just forces me to see the reality of my relationship with them. They are my T and pdoc, a doctor and psychological therapist. They are not my friends, caregivers, mentors, 'sages', or anything else i've tried to carve them into. And their lack of availability to me is just really an added punch in the gut that i really dont need right now.

i have been having dissociative episodes, crying most days. this is not depression. this is me feeling very clear headed, but sad as sh*t at the extreme pressure i am under, and the extreme sense of lonelyness right now.

maybe more tomorrow.

if anyone has listed this far, please dont feel any need to respond

"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are."
Ana´s Nin




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Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

poster:b2chica thread:1098872