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Re: in a very dark place.. please someone talk with me

Posted by Lamdage22 on October 19, 2011, at 16:52:09

In reply to Re: in a very dark place.. please someone talk with me Lamdage22, posted by sigismund on October 19, 2011, at 2:44:11

> Our capacity and need for love is often a torment to us. It would be so much easier if we were machines. I don't know how you let go of this sort of thing, and now I recall that you do not want to, not that it matters because it is out of your hands, if my experience is any guide. Some things just get dulled by time. My father died more than 30 years ago, and though I spend no time hating him, every so often a flash of resentment mixed with a tinge of regret passes over me. I guess that is what passes for progress? A wise man told me back then to try to accept my parents as they were....that they would never and could never give me what I wanted and needed. Now, so much later I find I can accept this in the case of my mother, though not in the case of my father. Perhaps feeling resentment toward him is more enjoyable for me. With my mother my feelings are more complicated and some compassion comes naturally. Don't really know why? Perhaps I knew her much better? Not sure.

Right now its a lot more grief than anger. I regularly start crying. At home.. on the road. Wherever i feel the need.
It feels good. On the bus i took 5 mins ago i listened to a song and felt the need to cry.. what the heck.. i did it! Not like i splash the whole bus with my tears.. but I'm not ashamed either. I am touched when i see someone crying in public, because he/she just needs to at this moment.

What worries me is this retaliation actions i did. I mean i called the place and told them shed be unprofessional and so on. Basically i told them that she said to me she loved me. And not only that.. its on the internet, too. Stuff like that she would be trying to fleece customers with this "love-scam". Ya.. i did that :/

Im ashamed of this sh*t. (and should be, too) And thats exactly what i mean with "very very disturbed when it comes to love". Its a bit "stalkerish", too. The feelings that the girl in the brothel displayed, i suspect, where real. How i F*CK*D that up again...

Enemy image "woman". Just WHY is this so?

I can intellectually see coherence to having been left alone by my mother in baby-toddler age. But at this point there is no emotional understanding of it..
I once had access to the feelings that accompanied this neglect of my mother in therapy and i could easily tell that this is THE major possibility for a therapeutic breakthrough.
For now its gone...

Any idea on how i can work toward healing my extreme disturbances in regard to women!??




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