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Re: Is there such a thing a being too compatible? Daisym

Posted by Dinah on October 6, 2011, at 20:05:16

In reply to Is there such a thing a being too compatible?, posted by Daisym on October 6, 2011, at 1:06:08

What do you think would happen if you did quit seeing him on a regular basis? Less frequently or infrequently? How would the rest of your life change? Do you think you would be able to find other attachments?

I think that although your problem and my problem are miles apart, our pernicious voices have something in common. They aren't entirely wrong. But neither are they entirely right. You may be getting some needs met in therapy that could be (in some ways) better met in other relationships. You may be continuing to see him in order to maintain the connection. You may be hanging on because it's too painful to consider letting go. Yet clearly there is still work that can be done in therapy, and you are concentrating on those areas.

I think that therapists do meet some needs that other people in our lives don't meet. Not friends or family. Not even significant others. They don't have that therapeutic distance. Of course, that benefit also comes with some risks that don't come with other relationships.

The best suggestion I have is acceptance of the contradictions. Therapy can't replace real life relationships. Real life relationships can't necessarily replace therapy. It's possible to cling to a therapist for the wrong reasons (in part) without it being wrong to cling to therapy. Therapy can meet enough of our needs to make real life relationships less important. But quitting therapy won't guarantee that there will be other ways these needs can be adequately met.

It's not wrong to need him.

There's a tension. Is termination the only possible alternative? Therapy should be regularly evaluated and adjusted. But can the adjustments take other forms?

Or of course you *could* try a trial separation... You might find that you don't need him as much after a while. If you're really ready.




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