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Re: shutting my T out violette

Posted by pegasus on October 4, 2011, at 9:01:41

In reply to Re: shutting my T out pegasus, posted by violette on October 2, 2011, at 6:14:27

Yes. All of this is not even completely unconscious for me. I am aware that when he challenges my self critical stuff, I want to grab on to it more. And, yes, it is very difficult to accept care from that place. I feel almost angry, or at least irritated, when he tries to be caring. And I'm aware that I'm pushing him away, and protecting myself from that alternate view of myself. What I want at those times is someone to listen and understand, not reality check. That just makes me feel more self critical. Because I *know* that I'm so screwed up that I'm even thinking and feeling wrong.

If I'm trying to make him feel what I feel in order to communicate it to him, then that is definitely unconscious. I wouldn't consciously want *anyone* to feel what I feel. I usually find it pretty satisfying to find the right words to put to my feelings, and I like to work through things that way. But . . . well, who knows what crazy stuff my unconscious will come up with.

I would say that it's not so much that I feel too vulnerable to put my feelings into words. It's that I can't connect meaning to those feelings, so they seem crazy. And then I can't figure out what to say about any of it.

In my own defense, I've never canceled a session before (at least that I recall). It's not a pattern with me. I'm really good at showing up, and working through hard stuff. Just . . . not this week.

- P




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