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Re: I'm jealous

Posted by Solstice on October 2, 2011, at 10:22:46

In reply to Re: I'm jealous annierose, posted by Dinah on October 2, 2011, at 0:59:52

> I think I have problems thinking he has me in mind at all when it's not my two fifty minute sessions per week.

I think this is something I have had trouble with too.. but only realized it when you framed it here. And what alerted me to it even being a problem for me.. is how it made me feel when my therapist has - reminded me of something I've said that I hadn't remembered until T said it (T is 'holding' a memory of something I said) - and especially when T says something like: "The other day when I was_______ I thought about how you____________" or something of the like. There have even been a few times that T has said things like: "I've been thinking about what we need to do to prevent you from falling through that hole.." which told me that I was on T's mind, when I didn't even know it!" Every time it's happened, I've been filled with an exquisite sense of 'mattering'... of being 'worth it.' That stuff certainly doesn't happen every session... but it does happen often enough that I have my on spot in my T's heart and mind.

Is it possible that your T does say or do things that demonstrate you are in his mind out of session - but maybe it's been outstripped by him doing things in session that have left you feeling like he can't even keep you in his mind during the 50 minutes you paid for? Now that he's being more attentive in-session, maybe over time you'll be able to believe you're in his mind out-of-session.

As an aside, I'll tell you that I was a tough nut to crack with respect to believing in my relationship with my T. My T had to endure endless challenges like "The care you give is paid for - which means it's not *real*" I think all that was really hurtful to my T, because there was no way to actually resolve it. T could Not convince me that the care was *real* - which exacerbated my attachment issues and made me really difficult to be therapeutic with. I think T probably felt, for a long time, that T was walking in a minefield during my sessions. I think the magic of my hearing descriptions of me being thought about out-of-session played a big role in me finally succumbing to a solid belief that this relationship is real, and T's care for me is real, and I Can trust it to be there. On T's free and unpaid time, concerns about me, even random thoughts about me "When I saw ____ on TV, I thought about your experience with ____".. all of that made it more *real* to me - that the care T has for me really is based on Me.. on my value... as opposed to being bought and paid for.

Dinah... there is a powerfully healing agent in a client being able to believe that the care they need to feel from their therapist is beyond the bought-and-paid-for time. Based on the gazillion posts I've read over the last ten years about your evolving relationship with your therapist.. I feel confident that you are in his mind throughout the week between sessions. And I say this despite my knowledge of his incidents of abominable behavior that has incited passionate anger in me :-). The only important thing, though, is that YOU feel you are in his mind and heart outside of session. It's probably a component of what you so eloquently call "fighting to relationship." My wish for you is that he does or says things that sparks a belief in you that he holds you in his heart and mind outside of session. I have a feeling that in truth, you are not only held in his mind between sessions, but you are part of who he has become. His relationship with you has no doubt influenced his therapy with other clients, and probably even his personal relationships outside of therapy... made him a better person all around. I think you probably have that effect on others in general. Heck.. I only know you through this forum.. through the words you type... and I dare say you have had a decent-sized effect on me!

You are much more than you think you are, Dinah. Really.

Solstice


 

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poster:Solstice thread:998463
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110823/msgs/998552.html