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just don't know what to do... *suicide trigger*

Posted by sleepygirl2 on September 2, 2011, at 22:52:36

I have a pretty dedicated pdoc. I've been lucky.
He's stuck with me for a long time, even after an overdose earlier this year. It was medication he prescribed, and I don't feel good about that. I never thought I'd do anything like that. I never have done anything like that, anything that might be considered a "suicide attempt". A few weeks before that I had been so upset I felt like I had to do something self destructive, because I had to do something. That really makes no sense. ..and I kept thinking ok, I'll take "this many", because I knew it wasn't going to hurt me really, just enough to knock me out. It felt like there was nothing I could do to deal with the situation.
Those thoughts passed without me acting on them, in part because I thought if you're going to do something stupid don't involve anyone else in it (pdoc, by virtue of the fact that the meds are prescribed).

...But then a few weeks later they occurred to me while I was in a bad moment, and I acted on them, with more than that number I had imagined weeks before, but honestly, I think if I had just stopped and had given myself time, I would've been alright, that it would not have become the big deal that it has become. I figured I'd call that f*ck*ng hotline to "just talk". DUI - dialing under the influence

Some pretty severe life stress came before the whole thing, my father has stage 4 cancer, and so I managed to see him after about 20 years of estrangement, and it was extremely painful. It wasn't the only difficult thing in my life at the time, but other things didn't shake me nearly as badly as that.
Since then, I've had my pdoc and my t concerned about me. I don't know how to assure them that I am fine, that nothing like that will ever happen again. I feel guilty about the whole horrible mess.
I told my pdoc that I want to reduce meds soon. It's not that I'm feeling all that great, I'm not really, it's just that I think maybe I have to be honest that my problems are just inherent in me, and that isn't something medication can help.
I don't really want to feel the effects of medication reduction. I don't want to feel anxious, depressed, but I feel like I might be taking advantage of people, behaving the way I have, and failing to "get better".
I don't really want to stop seeing my pdoc, but I do question the meds issue. My pdoc says they're treating something, and I don't want to discount his view, and then I start to wonder...well, maybe he sees something I don't?? He is a pdoc after all, but then I am the one taking the meds, so shouldn't I know myself?
but then I's because he wants to help you, but you can't be helped, so you can't just keep going like this because it's comfortable, it's not right.
My t voices concern about me, but I feel like he's talking about someone else. It feels like that with my pdoc too.
I don't know. There's not necessarily a rush on this, but it feels like an issue now, not sure why??
sometimes I believe that I just pay too much attention to myself, but my head just goes anyway.
ehh....there's no simple answer to this
damn it, I guess sometimes I just think I need to get over myself.
I mean it's nice to feel cared about, but not like this.
Wouldn't you hate to have me as a patient??




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poster:sleepygirl2 thread:995689