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Re: aging issues in and out of therapy Dinah

Posted by floatingbridge on August 31, 2011, at 19:58:56

In reply to Re: aging issues in and out of therapy, posted by Dinah on August 30, 2011, at 20:16:23

> But I do have issues about aging. Issues that my husband, oddly enough, shares. We were wunderkinds. Precocious. And now we aren't. And never will be again. I'm middle aged. I'm one of those "middle aged women" that are so often spoken of with disparagement. I had no idea how often until I was one. Now I hear it everywhere.

I so dislike that disparagement you speak of. It's wrong you know. But I think it still can sting.

> I don't feel old. I don't even feel mature.

That's one of the screts of aging I have heard people older than me, heck, my own grandmother tell me. She would sayshe felt like a teenager or young woman inside. That some things didn't change. She thought growing older would be more synchronious (made that word up I think).

> I've been calling myself 50 since I turned 45, because I figured it would take five years to be able to say that without fainting. At first I'd know it wasn't true, so it wouldn't hurt as bad. Then it would be true, but by then I'd be used to the idea. So... The five years are about up. I'm not sure I'm used to the idea. I never ever minded turning any age up until now.
I never minded thirty or forty. But fifty... I probably won't mind
any future ages either. Once you've turned fifty does it even matter? I suppose if you get old enough it becomes something to be proud of.

I had great difficulty with forty. Maybe it was like your dad's forty. I didn't think I'd ever make that age. I guess for me a PTSD foreshortened future type thing. Fifty was like, okay,
here we go--. But I've been very depressed.

Pride? When read your posts, I am always so appreciative of your communication skills online. I think you taught yourself those skills over time, and they have real value in the world. Last week my son didn't want to draw because he said I drew so much better. I startled him by laughing. 'I hope so', I said. 'I've been practicing for 50 years.'

> I've been thinking about death a lot lately. Not just because I'll soon be fifty. Two people from my immediate social circle in high school are already dead and have been for a while. A coworker was told she had three months to live with an inoperable tumor. From feeling fine to having three months to
live. She found someone to operate, and she seems to be feeling ok - though her husband looks like he's gone through
h*ll. I don't think my husband would want me to go for the slim chance and the difficulties and expense for him. So I've been thinking about death a lot.

Life really does have an end. I doubt I'll be 100. So at 51,
the future timeline is shorter. And I know more now. Kind of a shame in my eyes. A waste.

>I'm on the skeptical side of agnostic regarding an afterlife. I'm thinking it's more likely to be like going under for surgery and never waking up. I won't mind being dead, because I won't know it. I think I'll mind more not living fully in the remainder of my existence here on earth. If this time is the gift we have, I shouldn't spend it walking around in a fog.

(((Oh Dinah))). Life is so imperfect if one is an idealist.

> But then I'm middle aged. A relatively despised age,
apparently. Is it even possible to start living now?

But do you despise it in others? I don't despise any age. You have been living. Maybe it's a let down in retrospect to
what youth expected, but yeah, I feel you can live better if you want to. How is my question.

These are big questions. Essential and uneasy. I say break the mold regarding age and let your own appreciation of life and your natural appreciation of others be your guide. Jettison as much as you can that way some look at the
middle-aged and older. Your curiosity is still intact. That says so much.

You feeling a little differently today?

I dig a pony.




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