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Posted by Annabelle Smith on February 4, 2011, at 18:04:26

In reply to Re: hopeless, posted by Annabelle Smith on February 4, 2011, at 16:24:58

I feel a nausea for time that has passed and for what has been lost that I can't get back-- often it is just a sense of hope and expectancy that is gone.

I think back to when I reintiated therapy with my now-current therapist (after being gone for 6 months). I vividly recall the expectancy and hope that I experienced within myself that first day we met again. I knew that I had time ahead of me. Now, I am running out of time and hope. Now, I want to go back to that time, that day.

I want to go back to Christmas break. To the beginning of this year. Time was full then, and hope was possible. Now it is gone.

I literally feel nauseous. I don't know what to do. NOTHING will help this. Time is gone. FACT.
My hope and exceptancy are gone. FACT.
I am running out of time. FACT.
My therapist can't fix this. FACT.

I have always wondered what it would feel like to be on death row, to know that you are going to die. How it would feel to walk up to the guillotine or the gallows or the electric chair. I still wonder. And with it comes a sick feeling. I think it is the feeling of being condemned, stuck, and there is nothing that you or anyone else can do about it.

My bad feelings have spiked today to a super-bad place. When it gets this bad, I entertain the idea that I might need to walk to the hospital-- or I at least know that I can walk to the hospital-- if it gets too bad. But I don't know at what point is too bad.

Either you are one side of the line: you haven't done it yet; or you on the other: you have. There might be an in-between too. I don't know what warrants a crisis anymore-- the is how everyday feels.




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