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Re: ache-- being helpless hansonfan

Posted by Annabelle Smith on February 1, 2011, at 16:52:25

In reply to Re: ache-- being helpless, posted by hansonfan on January 30, 2011, at 18:31:08


I am glad that you responded to this. I have many times had the experience of reading something online-- someone else's post on a forum or just examples of life stories/testimonies-- particularly as I have come across people's experiences with Borderline Personality Disorder, and either wonder 1) am I coming across something that I wrote a long time ago and just don't remember? or 2) this is too strange-- this person is reading my life back to me. So, yes, I totally get that feeling.

I'm sorry that you have gone through such a hard time. It is so hard. I'm feeling it today too. I don't know how it is for you, but I am guessing it is similar-- it is always the hardest the minute, hour, and day right after a session ends. We met on Monday of this week and meet again next Wed-- that is over 1 week seems so far. But what is worse is knowing that I am trapped in this cycle. I don't know how to "fix" this, as you say. My only guess is time. First I am don't think I'm going to have the time I need to work through this and second, maybe time doesn't heal.

The power is located in the therapeutic relationship: I feel dependent upon him for safety, security, care, protection, basically, life. I feel a deep primal love for my therapist. I become obsessed and don't know what to do with all of this.

He has briefly spoken about patterns of relationship to my mom that re-emerge in our sessions-- wanting to share and not wanting to share. What is SO distressing is that there are so many things that I need to share with him, but am afraid to-- I can't say why I am afraid, but I just feel so scared. But he is the person who can help. About binge eating and weight and food; about patterns of thinking, worrying and ritual action, and about suicide.

I feel on the edge of something. I can't bear the future. Yesterday in our session, there was a moment(s) where I felt a sense of OK-ness, and even an opening of myself, a letting go and an acceptance. But this has quickly gone. It ebbs and flows like the tide, and that is what these feelings of suicide do too. I get this feeling-- like a dread in the center of my chest, a king of deep knowing or sense-- that suicide might not happen in the next year or two, but that is how it is going to end. I can see (actually, I can't even imagine myself saying good-bye to my therapist...which will be forever) myself leaving my therapist and then maybe 5 or even 8 years later, it will happen. It feels like a death sentence, I just don't know when it will strike. I think when I reach the point of greater strength and appropriate method, the point of breaking desperation, and ability to accept the pain that it will cause to those around me-- like after my parents are no longer around.

But it is always there. The urge always comes and goes and I never know which way it will be. But it is always there.

This is hell. These feelings of being dependent and trapped and obsessed and longing yet never able to be fulfilled by that object. I really want to know what the f*ck this is-- are my crazy feelings towards my therapist transference or what? It is an unnameable chaos that seems to always be lurking underneath the surface.

I used to not believe in hell-- I prided myself in overcoming that "superstition." But now, I have no choice to believe in hell-- it often is the only reality-- not the kind of hell that's a place where God eternally punishes people for eternity-- but a chaos that is unnameable. It feels like a demon inside of me, trying kill me sometimes-- like maybe I am a demon. It is like being trapped in a riddle and living in between two different dimensions, two different worlds. It is being within an infinite maze-- it feels like I must go faster and harder in order to get out; but this only gets me lost deeper. And so I want to exit stage left. But that is not really what I want. It just feels unbearable and worst of all, impossible to share with another, certainly through words-- maybe it is possible to share in other ways, like through actions, pictures, creations, or just presence and being-with.

And sometimes the only consolation that I find within the hell is that this is where God is too. in the lonliness and chaos.




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poster:Annabelle Smith thread:978259