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Re: session

Posted by Annabelle Smith on January 26, 2011, at 19:48:31

In reply to Re: session, posted by obsidian on January 25, 2011, at 21:14:10

Emilyp, Solstice, annierose, obsidian, and Dinah,

Thank you all for responding and offering me your thoughts-- it really touches me that you care.

I am trying to consider what you are saying, and after the (make-up) session that I had on Monday evening (the one I was referring to anticipating in the original post), I had to consider what you were saying a lot more closely. On Sunday night, I felt like I was going to have a great, breakthrough session on Monday (I could just FEEL it). But I was so hyped up for it, that I could scarcely sleep four hours (and that all broken and light) the night before. In the session, I was exhausted, painfully self-conscious, not present (I think the word is dissociated), felt fake and blank, and the words that I would try to say *literally couldn't come out.

I have this thing about speaking. I think there was a time a long time ago when this wasn't an issue. People have always told me that I talk fast, but I was never *afraid to speak. I always get mad, still when people tell me that I talk too fast-- I think it's more of an anger that is a deep feeling of hurt. It's getting better, because I have to speak a lot in what I do, but sometimes it is like I can't. Some things happened to me that I won't go into here relating to speech when I was in elementary and middle school. I can't stand to hear my own voice, and I never know when it will happen, but about half of the time, I feel like I am not even controlling the words that come out of my mouth-- my words are controlling me. This leads to a feeling that of being trapped inside of my own head-- I have so many things I want to say, but am trapped in silence. I feel stuck in the silent prison that is my head. When I sit in a therapy session and fall silent, just watching the clock tick by, I feel despair. I feel fake, trapped, and the one person who can help me isn't able to even know the distress inside. I think he knows the most from the posts from here that I have occasionally brought in to share with him. But this isn't just a therapy issue-- it interferes with EVERY aspect of my life. No close friends, no romantic relationships-- ever, f*ck*d up interviews, and terrified to give presentations/teach, yet everything that I want to do with my life requires that I be able to speak in front of others and do so well. More than that, I just want to not be alone anymore.
I need to find my voice and own it.

Last session left me in despair. I ended up calling my therapist early the next morning, and that helped a little to diffuse some of the distress. But it is still there.

But finally, with regards to medication. I built up all of this to say that last session hurt me so much that after I left, I seriously considered making an appt with the dr. pronto for medication. After last session, I left with feelings of a deep despair and thoughts of suicide were back-- after being in session-- because of the hell and being trapped in silence and false being that I described.

Appreciating and taking seriously all of your comments, I still do have concerns about medication. I am going to try to be honest enough to share a few of them here, if that is OK.

First, as I researched, I came across this info on a website at a DBT treatment center:

"Medication is a useful adjunct to many clients in DBT. In these cases clients need to have a prescribing physician familiar with DBT. We do not provide medication at the Center. If medication alone has successfully treated the problematic symptoms, though, there is no need for DBT. If not, it is important to understand that in undertaking DBT, DBT becomes the primary treatment. If medication side-effects interfere with effective participation in DBT, it is usually a good idea to postpone enrolling in DBT or to discuss with the prescribing physicians the pros and cons of continuing the medications at their current dose."

I am in DBT with my therapist for, the name we have decided upon, while accepting all the limitations and constructions that come with any label, Borderline Personality Disorder. In my research, I have repeatedly found what this website says: in DBT, DBT is the primary form of treatment, not medication. In fact, with BPD, medications often play a very small role. While there is much depression and anxiety present, it is not something that can be fixed with a medication, as the reasons for it reside in relational patterns and habits of perceiving the world. My depression is rarely just blanketly "there"-- it comes from an event, an encounter that has failed.

Also, referring to the quote above again, I don't want any possible medication side-effects to interfere with the precious DBT work that I have to do right now. I already feel pushed for time (although my therapist encouraged me last time that I have all the time I need). I don't want to mess up what I have going now. I want to continue working on.

Let me be clear that my opposition to taking medication has nothing to do with my perception of it as "weak" or "giving in." Not at all. But it is terribly confusing to me. I am already struggling within the infinite maze to make sense of my experiences; the medication would throw in an element that I can't make sense of-- like an external factor that I can't incorporate into my understanding of my experience.

I just want to feel again. I want to be able to cry. The sadder I feel, the less able I am to actually cry tears. It just gets trapped inside. I want to be able to weep, to be creative, to hope, to laugh, to smell the fresh air, and be fully present in each moment. I feel dead now. That is sometimes why suicide seems like a small step-- the real death is already here. Sometimes I feel, but it is back and forth. I want to be able to feel, and I do fear (not without, again, much research) that medications take the edge off, so the bad isn't as bad, but the good isn't as good. Dammit, I rely on what is f*ck*ng out the roof good when it is here. Moments of feeling goodness, bliss, enrapture make life possible for me to continue. I am afraid of becoming a zombie and feeling nothing.

Finally, one more note-- about envy. The closest person that I can be honest with-- the person whom I feel as though I can share my issues in therapy with (the only friend who knows I am in therapy...and she is significantly older than me and has been through many years of therapy herself of which I am jealous... I don't have the kind of time that she had), the person who I might be able to call in distress-- after my last session on Monday, I HAD to get out what I was feeling. I couldn't call my therapist after I had just left. In fact, leaving each time has something to do with the despair. Nearly every time I leave his office, I feel nearly sick, it is despair. I texted my "friend," and she never f*ck*ng responded. I have seen her several times since-- we sat one seat apart in a meditation session tonight-- and except for a brief hello (barely that), she ignores me. I want to say F*CK you! I hate you. Why did you not respond to my text? Why do you just continue on in your rosy little world when you know how I am feeling-- you won't even take 10 minutes to talk about it. But I just smiled and waved back. Dammit. I really do hate her. This always happens. This is why people cannot be trusted. When I take the step to trust someone and they tell me that they will be there for me, they back away and leave.

I am afraid that if I let myself be honest with my therapist, he will do the same thing.




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poster:Annabelle Smith thread:977638