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what must I do to be saved?

Posted by Annabelle Smith on January 17, 2011, at 20:50:57

In reply to Does it go away?, posted by Annabelle Smith on January 17, 2011, at 17:48:20

What must I do to be saved? To be saved from this invisible cancer that is eating me, from this insatiable darkness, from this haunting chaos.

I sometimes imagine the people in the gospel stories who desperately run up to Jesus, asking him what they must do to be saved. That's how I feel a lot. I want a Jesus to run to.

I need to know how to get out. How to be saved from this Hell.

I wonder about chaos and despair and "mental illness" and Borderline Personality Disorder. To feel trapped in this life-- in time, finitude, societal expectations, oppressive systems, and relational patterns-- to feel bored, overwhelmed, and tired-- that doesn't make one crazy. I often wonder what if these things are just part of our day and time. When I feel really desperate, I google stuff about suicide and sometimes just type in the words "Dear God." What comes up over and over again are people saying the same thing. They are tired and are without hope. They say they want out of life. That is how I feel.

I feel like I have nothing to live for. For a lot of people, this meaning comes from religion and God. For a little while-- when my Borderline symptoms were in their greatest remission-- I also found meaning and hope in God. It changed the way I lived and saw the world. There were still bad personal patterns, but I had a reason to keep going.

I have gone through seasons and have occupied many different religious perspectives-- I have gone from one extreme to the other and have been many places in between. But now, I just feel lost in chaos. I have lost all faith in God now and can adhere to no religious perspective. My perspective is back and forth, up and down: chaos. The closest thing to the sacred is my relationship with my therapist and the closest thing to God is him.

I know of a couple Christians who have told me they would suicide if there were no God because there would be no reason to live and no meaning for their lives. They aren't crazy; many people of faith feel this way-- millions of Americans. I don't know if I am crazy to be feeling suicidal. I don't think so. It's not something that medicine is going to help. What if there really is no meaning to be found, no ultimate hope.

I need to know what I must do to get out of this trap, to be saved from this chaos that is hell.




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poster:Annabelle Smith thread:977186