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Does it go away?

Posted by Annabelle Smith on January 17, 2011, at 17:48:20

In reply to I feel sad, posted by Annabelle Smith on January 17, 2011, at 16:31:48

It is just a constant chaos. There are these thoughts that come and go. One hour I feel suicidal thoughts, and a couple hours later, they are gone. When they are there, it is hard to remember what it felt like when they were gone; and when they are gone, it is hard to remember they were ever there: but there is a knowledge that they will be back. It is a like waves that overcome me.

Maybe part of it has to do with the intense fear of leaving my therapist in May or shortly thereafter. I know know know that I have more AGENCY than that- but agency is so hard for me to realize. I usually feel like a passive observer. I need to know the truth-- that is, if I NEED to stay longer than that, I can. But that is hard to believe.

I don't even know what I want. When I feel bad, I want it to stop; but when I feel fine, I feel like something is wrong because I am not feeling bad. Maybe I am afraid to change and get better. Maybe I am keeping myself in bondage.

But this therapeutic attachment is so strong-- I KNOW in my head that he is another person and does not carry a divine authority. But expereintially, to me, he is God and sacred. This is tearing me apart. I have regressed because of this too, I think. I have read a lot about that, and this seems to be somewhat common-- that people regress when they are in the presence of safety. That is why Heinz Kohut advised against using the method of empathic attunement with Borderlines because he thought that such empathy and compassion would break down their defenses and become overwhelming to them. He labelled them as "object-hungry" and wrote of the likelihood of these patients becoming "addicted to therapy" and stuck as he put it, in a perpetual state of "object-hunger dependency." Well, that is me. But I don't want my therapist to back away or withdraw at all. I don't think he will. I really trust him and think he is going to stick this out with me. Forget Kohut-- maybe it is time that heals.

But this doesn't help how I feel right now.

I am struggling so badly with eating and body issues. I am supposed to meet with a nutritionist in a couple weeks, but have to go to the dr. tomorrow morning first before I can do that. I always hate the question: so what is wrong that brings you in? What the f*ck? Do you have 4 hours, because even then, I can't articulate. For purposes here, it is a constant cycle of restricting and bingeing. I was thinking that I really need to lose 20 pounds over the next 4 months-- that is 5 pounds a month. It seems do-able but it would require extreme restriction or some kind of purging. I don't think a nutritionist's diet is going to help me lose that much weight, but I am going to give it a try anyway. I really just need help with the binges.

I feel confused and tired and so dependent upon my therapist. I feel so sad knowing that I don't have enough time. It is like a death sentence.




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poster:Annabelle Smith thread:977186