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Re: Unknow what?........

Posted by Solstice on January 16, 2011, at 17:09:46

In reply to Re: Unknow what?........ Solstice, posted by obsidian on January 16, 2011, at 14:56:15

> Me too solstice. I can make a nice cave.

I love a kindred spirit :-)

At first, my therapist tried to push me out of my cave... T was sure that my depression would abate if I got more involved with people.. that success would build upon success. I dug in my heels and would NOT be moved! I went to therapy - and for a good time, except for my children, that was the extent of my human contact (well.. except for other perfunctory contact - like the checkout person at the grocery).

The push and pull between T and I over this was frustrating for both of us. I couldn't leave my nice, warm, safe cave of isolation because it was just too dang risky for me. What I realized in retrospect is that the funny thing is that during that long period of cave-dwelling, that's when I developed the ability to trust my T. I didn't realize that I hadn't known what real trust was, until I experienced it. It was like therapy was this tiny microcosm, wherein I experienced some developmental things I'd been deprived of. A lot of it was just the day in and day out therapeutic experiences that were usually not 'planned' or anticipated. They just spontaneously happened. A good part of it included rupture and repair. I later described it as it beling like there was a honeycomb (my foundational experiences) that were full of empty combs. These therapeutic experiences I had with T seemed to one-by-one filling them in.. and as a result.. I felt a growing sturdiness to my who inner structure. T was always fascinated by my descriptions of these experiences, because it was in opposition to my T's basic premise that I needed to gradually enter more and more 'real' relationships. We've talked about it since.. and I've told T that I really don't think I would have done well if I'd let myself be pushed out of my cave before I felt 'whole' enough to manage. One thing that I have absolutely loved about my T has been T's willingness to let me dig in my heels and not move - if that's what I needed to do. What's been interesting to me, is that while in that isolated cave where I felt so safe - the only risk I had to take was whether my T was up to the challenge and could figure out how to 'be' what I needed. Lucky for me, T was able to do it.. and as a result, I went through a whole series of things that are classic developmental stages. It was never characterized as (or even thought of) as 're-parenting' but in reality, I think it served that purpose. In that cave, T facilitated my ability to become firmly attached... at times responded to me in a way that made me feel like a child tied to a parent (without it being overt)... at times generated a protective energy that enveloped me in a sense of safety... at times was in my balcony applauding. Sometimes in therapy in sharing my 'stories' I felt like a little kid taking a drawing to my parent.. where it was ooh'd and aah'd over.. declared as really special.. and hung on the refrigerator with parental eyes lighting up with pride. There was something profoundly healing about those dynamics for me - even though they were never spelled out. It was like we both were aware of what was taking place - but neither of us wanted to break the mysterious spell of it by trying to describe it.

Anyway.. my T got really happy when I started talking about people in therapy. T would say "Oh! I'm so glad you brought R_ _ _ _ _ _ _d in here today!" Little by little I started venturing out of that cave.. but it was entirely dependent on the security of my connection to T. After a while, I realized I was able to do more and more without my T's assistance. T would *make* me describe successes in excruciating detail - and make me say outloud every thing I did right - and recognize every positive bit of feedback I got from others. In a way, I created myself, discovered myself, experimented with myself.. in that cave. So although my T seems to think more negatively about my cave, I have a lot of fondness for it. It's off to the side a little - but it's in view. I like it. A lot. It's there for me if I need it. Sometimes something will happen that makes me feel threatened.. and I'll scoot in my cave and turn my back to the opening. But I've gotten a LOT better at sorting through things faster.. and pretty soon I'm antsy to get out of my cushy little cave. I think part of the reason is because I internalized so many therapeutic experiences with my therapist, that I take a lot with me when I leave my cave.. maybe it's like a turtle. I know how to go out there, and pull into my shell if things get weird for me 'out there.' In any event, the bottom line is that so much of my trauma has been healed.. and for the most part.. I know how to be ok when I'm away from my cave. But I do love my cave... :-)

Solstice


 

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poster:Solstice thread:976856
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20101228/msgs/976995.html