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Re: My story - long Dinah

Posted by Daisym on January 5, 2011, at 12:57:37

In reply to Re: My story - long, posted by Dinah on January 5, 2011, at 9:33:37

You make so much sense, Dinah. Annie Rose is saying the same things to me - and my therapist has always been very accepting of all the sexual feelings and conversations that have entered my therapy. So what you said about counter-transference makes sense - his unconscious fears and needs to protect himself were producing a behavior he wasn't aware of until I called it out. He said it felt a little like a challenge - why do you need to do that? Intellectually I get all of that.

And he is sitting pretty well with his own frustration, reminding me (and himself) that we aren't going to be able to understand or work this through in just one session. I think he is very shocked at my reaction - perhaps, as you said, thinking I was more capable of hearing what he was saying (d*mn that Phd!)but I also think he didn't see it as a big deal so he wasn't that careful.

I also think there are many strands to this, not the least of which is the death of the fantasy (largely unconscious for me) that he would eventually take up all the lonely space inside of me. I would have said I *knew* that - but perhaps well-hidden from myself was this belief that as long as I was connected to him, I wasn't alone in the real world. And thus, the connection must last forever. His using the word "NEVER" startled that into consciousness and then destroyed it. I think being single with grown children adds a layer to all of this that a lot of people don't have to grapple with.

He said yesterday that he feels like he was caught up in some reenactment and I agree. We just haven't figured it all out yet. Mother stuff is my best guess right now.

It is just so awful and painful. I want to pretend, for him and for me, that it never happened. He kidded me once, when I was wishing for a magic therapy wand, that he had one but it could only be used once, so we had to pick carefully. I told him yesterday that this was time - could he please undo all of this. He said it will eventually teach us both something.

But what if it is something terrible?
*sigh*
Thanks for the response. Now can you go talk to him too?

 

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poster:Daisym thread:975869
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