Psycho-Babble Psychology | about psychological treatments | Framed
This thread | Show all | Post follow-up | Start new thread | List of forums | Search | FAQ

My story - long

Posted by Daisym on January 5, 2011, at 1:47:09

Is it really necessary to talk over and understand everything? Even stuff that happens in therapy? This is the short version of what has been going on the past few months for me: (short but still long...)

As I've mentioned above, a few weeks ago I had this terrible session. We've spent months talking about the implications of csa on budding sexuality and how confusing it all was. There were many dreams that indicated a struggle between feeling overly sexually powerful and terrified of sex altogether. There were many conversations about the need children have to be touched safely and how that need was corrupted for me. So it feels bad and shameful to have it. Just like the adolescent interest in sex felt bad and shameful.

My therapist has a "no touch" policy - which we've talked about in the past. He is pretty good at emotional holding so usually it isn't an issue. In fact, I tell him if he ventures out of his chair I'd flee the room. But there are little kid parts of me that want to snuggle up next to him and feel safe and firmly held. I told him this and I told him that I felt jealous of his male clients who probably shook his hand every time, without some God awful discussion about why they needed to do and how it felt, etc. etc. He was a little surprised by this and did admit that men routinely shake hands without a lot of thought to it.

A few sessions later, we were talking about sex and touch and for whatever reason, my therapist felt the need to remind me that "that will never happen here." I'm intellectually sure that he was reassuring me that his office was a safe place. But it felt like a slap - almost like a reprimand. So at the next session, I was upset and I finally told him that he didn't need to vehemently remind me that he will never touch me nor that we couldn't have sex. I knew that already. He was really taken aback - said he was unaware that he had been "vehement" -- and then he said I sounded angry. I told him it was just really humiliating to be reminded like that and that he does it more often than he probably realized. But I knew that his intention was to remind me again and again how safe it was to express anything. However, it often felt like he was protecting himself as much as me.

At the next session, he tells me that he thought a lot about what I said - about protecting himself. And he launches into this huge explanation of his motives, both conscious and unconscious, trying to explain to me why he felt the need to call out that particular boundary. It was so awful for me. All I could hear was, "your needs are so big, they are scary and therefore I need to push you back." And I kept hearing the word "never" -- and it all imploded. He never actually said my needs were too big - but he talked about the intensity of our work together and how in the past I've expressed the belief that he might be able to "fix" me sexually, and some of the dreams I've had expressing sexual, ug, ug. I wanted to melt through the floor boards with shame and humiliation. He could see he was losing me and he tried to explain that he was "just" explaining some of his thinking about why he might have felt unconsciously, the need to remind me about the boundaries.

I felt frozen and he was so frustrated. Neither one of us knew what had happened, but it was clear something terrible had occurred for me. In the weeks that have followed, we are trying to make some sense of it, and he is bewildered and feels terrible for the pain I'm in. On my side, I feel empty inside - like I've lost him completely and don't dare look for him ever again. I'm not mad, just terribly sad. I think the core belief I carry is that my loving feelings will always eventually hurt that person because of the shadow of sexual feelings. I feel so tainted and ruined - and everything he said confirms that belief. He told me he is frustrated because what he says now does not seem to matter - I've stopped listening to him. I just believe the therapy is ruined.

Which brings me back to my question. Doesn't it seem like talking about all of this is making it worse? Can't we just label this as a disruption #414 and try and end as well as possible if this is where we are? There is so much more but this is long enough. I just feel so alone right now.




Post a new follow-up

Your message only Include above post

Notify the administrators

They will then review this post with the posting guidelines in mind.

To contact them about something other than this post, please use this form instead.


Start a new thread

Google www
Search options and examples
[amazon] for

This thread | Show all | Post follow-up | Start new thread | FAQ
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

poster:Daisym thread:975869