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Re: sorry...

Posted by Annabelle Smith on December 28, 2010, at 21:34:00

In reply to sorry... obsidian, posted by obsidian on December 28, 2010, at 20:29:46

Thanks, Obsidian. You don't have to apologize. I appreciate your relating your experiences to me. I like that you separate it into "why" and "how." I can definitely see the "why" in your case. Knowing that, intense attachment makes sense.

And you are right, I also know the "why" in my own life too. When I am gentle with myself, I also tell myself that my attachment makes sense too and is not bad. Part of the "why" is that I have always felt "wrong"-- like I was different from the other kids even in elementary school and didn't fit in. It was a kind of suffocating loneliness and pain that as I grew into middle and high school turned into a humiliating feeling of alienation of a constant feeling of embarrassment to exist. How often I would long for someone to compassionately understand and to share all of the secrets with-- like anorexia and binge eating and just to share in this feeling of suffering.

And here is my therapist. And here I am longing. And borderline personality disorder or not-- whatever label we use-- it makes sense.

The "how" is so hard. I don't even like to say this, but sometimes I worry that I am worse off in therapy than not-- I am even in a kind of bondage it seems to my own hunger and needs, an addictive obsession.

I bet what would help me most is just to really share this with my therapist.

But you know how sessions are-- I can say just what I want on my own alone in the car, but when I get on the phone or in the room with him, I feel different afraid and tongue-tied. Writing and sharing on here helps me get through some of the time in between too. So thanks for corresponding with me. It helps to not be alone.




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poster:Annabelle Smith thread:975058