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Re: Already back

Posted by Annabelle Smith on December 27, 2010, at 21:57:32

In reply to Already back, posted by Annabelle Smith on December 27, 2010, at 15:38:30

I just got in a fight with my mom.

I told her way too much. I made the mistake of opening up, and things just got so much worse. She ignores me when I am upset. She admitted to that tonight. We got into it and she told me that when she looks in my eyes, she can tell that I suffer every day. She said that if she brings it up, she makes me mad; if she doesn't, she makes me mad. That's kind of true. She is in a no-win situation. That's why I should just leave her out of this. but i didn't tonight.

She ended up getting and feeling blamed for all of this. We got into how I felt guilty for leaving home, like she couldn't make it without me. And I notice how much pain she is in-- but I cause more. She tells me that I am free to go-- that it is hard for her to let me go, but she is trying to do better. She says that she feels like she is losing everyone in her life-- her father is 91 and she thinks this is his last Christmas. My brother will soon leave the house; my dad is never home.

She told me that she is afraid of losing me too. I tell her that she can't have this fix-it mentality, because this is something she can't fix. I brought my therapist into it. I alluded to some of my attachment to him and it worries her. She refers to him as "this guy." She began to insist that i needed to take pills for an instant fix. I told her there is no instant fix. She tells me she is afraid that I am going to hurt myself. I think so too but I tell her no. I feel like I am going to hurt myself or kill myself. This feels like the only way out.

Then she blames herself, because the truth is, I am just like her in so many ways. She tells me she is sorry that I inherited her bad traits-- she also has no close friends, says she doesn't know how to act, gets bursts of depression and bad moods.

The truth is that I do blame her for a lot. She can't help me because she is the problem. I can never tell her this. Because all she does is love me. It is her presence that makes me feel awful, her voice that irritates me, her worries that weigh me down. I can't escape her. I don't know how I can love and hate someone so much.

She asked me if when I see "this guy," meaning my therapist, if we talk about my mother. I lied and said no. But the answer is yes. I feel like she thinks my relationship to my therapist is inappropriate. She doesn't understand about attachment and psychotherapy. All I know is that I need my therapist-- he is filling what feels like an inner void in me right now. It's something that has to do with my mom, but that is all I know.

Attachment and psychotherapy. I am so confused. Am I inappropriate for feeling so strongly towards my therapist, like he is safety and God and my mother? I can't help it. I have hurt my mom so bad. I can never talk to her again about this. I am so alone and I want to go to sleep and never, ever, ever f-ckin ever wake up.

I write letters to god and put them under my pillow asking god to take me away to let me not wake up. to make it stop. please please dear god.




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poster:Annabelle Smith thread:974904