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Was I being critical of T?

Posted by violette on August 3, 2010, at 21:38:07

This has been lingering in my mind all week.

Last session, T and I were discussing influential psychoanalysts such as Kernberg and Kohut. I never disclosed to him yet exactly how much I read about psychology during the past year-and told him I read all the stuff I did in part to protect me from my next T (him), but rarely do so anymore. He understands the context around that and is fine with it.

We had a nice discussion-he seemed to really like to have someone with whom he could exchange views of psychoanalytic clincial research and theories; the different schools of thought, etc.

We also talked alot about our interests in art. T has said sometimes he wants to get to know me better-aside from the actual working through.. But last week and the week before, he didn't say that. We just ended up chit chatting alot.

The week before seemed like that too. I said at the end of last week's session - "Dr. T, don't be letting me intellectualize *too* much...we have alot of work to do..." Well he said something in return to the effect I was being critical of him. I was devasted to think I was being critical to him, so I don't even remember exactly how he said it. Maybe it will come to mind soon...

I wasn't questioning his professionalism, but thought it's been a while since he asked me "how did it make you feel", etc., while focusing on my inner state and childhood traumas.

I wonder if it's because I recently had some PTSD reactions-I had told him prior to the last 2 sessions that I started to feel emotinal flooding, but pushed it aside to deal with later. Had some major panick attacks, minor hallucinations/paranoia and some other regression. So maybe he was trying to be 'light' for my benefit? Except I told him since I'd been avoiding my mother, I haven't had such pronounced symptomology.

After all this, I realized it's because I feel most connected with him when we discuss heavy emotions-and we had not done that in 2 weeks. Why would I feel more connected wtih emotional discussion but not as connected with excanging our perosnal interests and beliefs?

I'm afraid to go next session in some ways as I cannot keep things from him. After our 2 minute chit chat at beginning of session, I go right into what's on my mind. And I'm afraid I was critical to him. I love him so much and I can't bear to think I said something that shed a bad light on him. I was just thinking I needed to work harder at the time, thinking he'd be ok with my stating this.

Does that sound critical to say, "Dr.-now don't be letting me intellectualize *too* much...T has always let me take the lead (or allow me to feel as if I'm in charge) so it didn't seem any different than how I've related to him in the past. I really enjoyed our conversation about art and psychology; I guess it just concerned me and I'm having mixed feelings about the whole thing. I can't wait to get this off my mind next session, as this is confusing.




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