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Re: blow out session with my T yesterday deerock

Posted by violette on July 1, 2010, at 11:01:39

In reply to blow out session with my T yesterday, posted by deerock on July 1, 2010, at 9:55:11

"...but it feels more complicated than that. because i dont often realize im devaluing her. and once i do it, she becomes defensive and i dont know why she is being defensive since i dont realize i just did something..." Deerock

Hi Deerock,
It seems to me that her being 'defensive' is the means for which she is trying to get you to see her as a person with feelings when you devalue. Since you do not realize you are doing this at times (which could also mean you are possibly doing this more than you think), and considering the length of time you've been in therapy, maybe this is a pattern of relating that she is more aggressively addressing by challenging you with the goal of promoting change in this area?

I've been the recipient of devaluing; not as a therapist, but as a gf. When the bf no longer idealized me because I was no longer serving his needs when he unknowingly discovered I had my own emotional needs in the relationship, that bf did not have the ability to see me as a person with needs. He did not have a capacity for empathy.

Well, I'm only relating my experience and intuition here to make a guess about your situation, and I'm not sure how else a T would adress a pattern of objectifying. While my ex could not "see" me as a person and devalued me-he had no clue. The fact you do have empathy being that you do not always do this, and that you recognize it either during or after is significant, and that insight alone is a catalyst for change. Being objectified is probably one of the most awful feelings for me; I am not sure how Ts can handle it repeatedly. But she is willing to do this, it seems, to continue to help you resolve your issues. Often with psychoanalysis, the relationship between T and patient is emphasized. She would likely have to be 'defensive' as her part of the relationship, perhaps if insight alone has not allowed you to progress in this area.

Maybe you are uncomfortable with the way she is doing this, maybe it is only the way she is handling this and not you-or maybe it is just a difficult area for you to work on ("feels more complicated than that") because you identify this with your self-and it is difficult to leave parts of your self behind. It feels like self betrayal, or it could feel like loss, or be confusing and painful. It can be very uncomfortable either way.

I'm not sure if CBT therapists have the knowledge or are trained to address this sort of thing as this is one of those core self issues deeply ingrained and intertwined with how we relate to the world-as opposed to a specific trait. I don't know-but I'd be interested to know if you if could bring this up to the CBT therapist you were considering, and ask how they would address this.

I certainly hope you will be at peace with whatever decision you make.

Best to you,




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