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just triggered violette

Posted by violette on June 23, 2010, at 22:19:41 [reposted on June 25, 2010, at 15:38:48 | original URL]

In reply to Re: Cool Psych Test violette, posted by violette on June 23, 2010, at 19:55:10

Never mind...I think I was just triggered by my mother again. Recently I told her I was probably susceptable to a nervous breakdown due to increase and change in symtpoms and stress and she acted as if I told her I had just joined a new gym or something.

Much of the trigger was after being on the phone with her today briefly which led to thoughts about her previous interactions and reactions when 3 close family members had nervous breakdowns while living with her (not at the same time). She pretended it wasn't happening or made the situation worse, blaming the person and even yelling at them, and acting like whoever was having the breakdown at the time was ruining her life or prventing her from 'living'. It's painful to think about how my family members were treated by her and other things that happened during those times...

Anwyay, as it turns out, she has been living alone for quite some time and does not 'live' anyway-she has the life of the living dead...but someone, somehow always prevents her from 'living her life'. She was probably worried she would have to drive me to the hospital or something, having to drive all the way there in traffic (gasp-traffic-one of her biggest complaints even for 15 minute drives) to bring a toothbrush or clothes, which would prevent her from finally 'being free' from her children, as my siblings had breakdowns and briefly moved back in with her as adults. I legally emancipated from my parents as a minor and will never go back there--I'd rather be homeless than live in that house again so I don't know why that would even worry her. But i guess the horror of traffic she'd have to endure during a drive longer than 15 minutes in the event I couldn't find a ride to the hospital is a scary thing and would greatly disturb her life.

She's been calling and I have been ignoring the calls; I didn't call her back for 2 days then she called and texted again so I finally called her back today and she wanted me to go to a farmers market with her. I told her I have not even been able to leave the house as I am having psychological problems, she just kept talkig about the farmer's market so I ended up telling her i can't talk to her right now and then spiraled.

So it seems I should avoid any contact with her for a while as I started to decompensate. Not that I won't get schitzophrenia someday, but I guess i was just being paranoid and renumerating from thoughts triggered after talking to her. The last time I saw her I ended up catatonic, staring off into space. And I guess I felt alone because it seems that you have friends until you the day you go crazy...but i took some xanax and am feeling stable now.




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