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Re: Intelligence and bonding in childhood abuse cases

Posted by BabyToes on April 21, 2010, at 22:04:47

In reply to Re: Intelligence and bonding in childhood abuse cases BabyToes, posted by fleeting flutterby on April 21, 2010, at 16:56:09

> I think your post makes a lot of sense. The child that can "out wit" the abuse is more likely to come out of it less damaged. With that said-- I also think it has A LOT to do with the child having a "bond" with a SAFE adult. Like you talked about your grandmother and a few teachers. I think that can give the child hope and a connection to the "healthy" way relationships can be.
Flutterby,
I agree both are important and maybe just one of those things makes a big enough difference.

> I wonder if your poor dear brother didn't have that kind of adult-bond??

My brother did have a bond with a few teachers, me and of my grandma. He was also very smart but due to brain damage he couldn't read or write above a 2nd grade level, couldn't graduate. Because he couldn't read, it really damaged his self esteem especially when my mom would tell him he was too stupid to "be anything, he believed it" He felt trapped. The seizures he had also caused a lot of memory loss which was it was hard for him to learn. I am not sure when shaken baby syndrome becomes something else when a child is older.
>
> I grew up with abuse/neglect and experienced life threatening trauma...have been diagnosed with complex PTSD and many other things.

I have had those experiences too and have been DX with complex PTSD too. It sure sucks, doesn't it?

I have chosen a partner much like the relationships I grew up with (abusive/neglectful) and my children have been struggling as I lack in exhibiting mental health and healthy relationships. I haven't a single friend (IRL).

Are your kids ok, or have they been abused too? My kids I believe had to deal with me and my ways too, going through therapy is rough for me and it did affect them, probably in good ways and bad too. But I do try my best. I hate the fact they have to deal with death threats made on our family from my mom. It isn't fair to them.

> -- But-- I could easily get straight A's in school if I cared to-- and was in the top ten of my class every year.
> I think for me and many that don't function to the level you do-- it's not so much the intelligence(I've been asked by every therapist I've seen why I'm not an addict, or homeless, due to the childhood I had-- I knew inside myself that such behavior would just make my life even worse than it already was)

My life is far from perfect, believe me, but I am a survivor and keep kicking! My T's also are amazed that I am not addict or severely dysfunctional. But I have much more work to do.

But the part that you wrote: "I knew inside myself that such behavior would just make my life even worse than it already was" shows me your intellect to know the difference. Many do not even realize this or can. I think knowing this myself as a child, is what helped me get through my life and not make as bad as mistakes if I didn't believe this.

> but----
>
> the key difference, I'd venture to guess is, I hadn't a single adult in my childhood that took me under their wing.(grandparents deceased, abusive aunts) I was subject to some adults that added to the abuse/neglect even. I learned that humans aren't safe and pain will result.

I had a few people that helped me, but it wasn't something constant. In fact more people have hurt me in my life than helped, including an unethical therapist. Learning to trust fully is new to me, I learned it through therapy with my 2nd T and really with current T. My real friendship are new this school year too. I am 41, and it took that long and with a ton of therapy to get to that point.

Are you in therapy? (sorry I haven't been around in a long time here) I have a long way to go to heal my past, but I believe that with the right help it is possible. I am so thankful for my T, she has made a huge difference in my life than my other 2 therapists put together and I have only worked with her a little over 1 1/2 years.

The friends I have made IRL have suffered the same as me as a child and just talking with them, heals us both. But I didn't have that two years ago.
Thanks for responding, please don't ever give up hope. :-)

 

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poster:BabyToes thread:944377
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