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Re: I think I need help in reframing rnny

Posted by Dinah on April 17, 2010, at 18:32:28

In reply to Re: I think I need help in reframing, posted by rnny on April 17, 2010, at 15:35:06

I remembered, when I was reading your posts about being selective in choosing friends, that it seems that I had remembered your advocating turning therapists in to their licensing boards. Or rejecting therapists because they didn't live up to the standards you thought they should live up to. I thought about it again when I read your post about feelings and about blaming yourself for your feelings.

I wondered if it all related to a common theme in your experience of life.

People, even good people, even people you care about, will let one down. At least in my experience. Usually in the same ways, because they are who they are and because we are who we are. Our expectations and their abilities will fail to mesh over in the same places. What we do about that is up to us.

I *try* to acknowledge that fact, to realize that people will let me down, and to realize that it's not only inevitable, it's also not the end of a relationship.

I'm disappointed in him about this, yes. I sometimes wish I knew less about his thoughts and feelings on a moment by moment basis so that I could fill in the blanks with a somewhat more noble and heroic image, yes. But what he's given me over the years is priceless. I can recognize the one without forgetting the other. I can realize that while he fall short in some areas, he excels in others.

He has been the best therapist available, for me. Why would I wish to see the best therapist I've known to be in trouble with his licensing board? Why would I want to see him unable to help others?

I always say that commitment is what keeps those life partners together at the times they really don't like each other much. In any relationship of any length, there will be those moments. Not only is love like a wave, all relationships are like waves. There are peaks and troughs. This is a trough in my therapeutic relationship.

But it's a matter of deciding if the therapeutic relationship is still a helpful one. It's an assessment of where I am and what the relationship is. It's a question of what I need at this point, and what he can offer. It's got nothing to do with the licensing board. I'm not committed to him in the same way life partners are. If I were, there wouldn't be an exchange of money at the end of each session. But it would be foolish of me to reject all of the relationship on the grounds of being disappointed in him about one thing. It wouldn't be in my best interests. It would be a way of life that would lead to the loss in my life of many good things.

No. I'm not angry. Why should I be angry? I'm sad, and I'm hoping I can fit this into my picture of who he is and continue to respect him, care about him, and benefit from the good things he brings to my life.




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