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Re: Why do I need my therapist? Daisym

Posted by Workinprogress on March 5, 2010, at 1:49:10

In reply to Why do I need my therapist?, posted by Daisym on March 4, 2010, at 22:22:41

Daisy- I don't necessarily have an answer, but wanted to ask if this and something else you posted recently are connected? (will copy it here). Tomorrow when I have more time I'll try to figure out why, but the two posts seem to say something together- I don't know why, but maybe you do. Or maybe you think I'm full of it. Hang in there, I think the relationship is both the hardest AND the most healing part of therapy.

Your previous post:

I get that. I think when you care deeply, you also worry about judgement. So it gets harder to reveal yourself because this person now matters a great deal and you are risking the relationship. But you wouldn't have the urge to reveal yourself unless there was a deep connection - so this is truly a rock and a hard place.

I think it is a lot like my circle of "I need you" and "I hate that you let me need you." It would be easier if he wasn't so open to all my needs because then I could squelch them. Instead, being open to them, without always meeting them, allows them to exist in a consistently painful way. And yet, the ones that are getting met make all the difference.

One thing I noticed is that my therapist is now "risking" with me too. He says things that 2 years ago he would never have said - pushes me but also reveals himself, his feelings and his thoughts. And digs into the dark places but also offers himself as the salve. I know he is still wary of certain things (like the word fantasy - "what is your fantasy about that?" use to make me crazy) but more and more he risks the rift to get us where we need to go. I guess he is confident I'm not going just quit or that I'm strong enough to think and feel things.

What is it that you think the love is getting in the way of? (sorry, bad grammar)

> Or more accurately, WHAT do I really need him for? I am a very competent woman, who does not need day-to-day advice about life choices or work. In fact, when he starts giving me advice, I tend to shut down.
> But I KNOW that when we aren't connected, I do way worse. I feel sad and lost and my productivity goes down. And I'm much, much more anxious.
> I'm struggling with my need for him again - the cycle is familiar. I have all the "shouldn'ts, mustn't - it isn't real" voices going off. I've been telling him, even as he feels me pulling away.
> Today we talked about the possibility that I need him for emotional regulation. It isn't safe to feel any feelings when I'm not connected to him. But these feelings are insisting on being felt and dealt with - so I need him in order to do that. Otherwise I'm "fine" -- which means I'm numb. And being numb is sooo lonely and awful now. He thinks that I was taught to hide all feelings and reactions, since you never knew what you were going to get in return. So I never learned how to digest and integrate any intense feelings - happy or sad.
> And the more aware I am of this deep need and the value of the connection, the more terrified I am that it will disappear. He tells me that is what all "humans" fear - losing someone they love. He sees it as a good thing.
> Ug - I wish I could settle in and just allow the connection instead of struggling against it. I know I'm not here much anymore but this is something that almost no one understands, except my Babble friends. So -- thoughts?




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