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Learning the language of the living

Posted by hyperfocus on September 6, 2009, at 17:44:08

So this psychic lady, never saw me before in her whole life, puts her hand on my head for a few minutes, and then tells me that all she sees is desolation and and ruin and that I have to rethink my WHOLE life.

Damn she's good. She hit the bullseye. When I first came here I had the idea that there was just this bad social phobia and depression I had to figure out and if I could just find the right pills I'd be able to leap forward to this brilliant dazzling future. But over the past few weeks it's being gradually revealed to me how empty and desolate and ugly my real psychological life is. Having the surface depression and anxiety abate in patches isn't what I thought it would be. I'm hurting even more than before! I keep recalling the biblical line - the scales fell from my eyes...

Because I realize that all the psychological scaffolding that most people build in their childhood and youth to to support the duties and challenges of living - the support that we need to be happy and loving and productive and resilient - I don't have it - any of it. I never learned the language of the living.

I really should be glad my illness is amenable to psychological healing and not rooted in bad brain biology. But still for us Axis II types it's not easy. Avoidant, obsessive, narcissistic, and so much more...what else to see on this carnival ride? I probably have enough issues for a whole class of doctoral theses.

Reconnecting with feelings buried for decades isn't fun at all. Just like jammerlich recently posted, I feel like I could just drop dead from emotional anguish. I feel like I could die of shame realizing how I behaved and how I treated others and what everyone must think of me. Shame, regret, grief, anger, despair,'s a heady mix.

I'm trying. I'm moving forward rapidly connecting the dots. I have another year of school to face. I'm scared but it's not just fear...How do you describe the feeling where you've tried and failed again and again and just made things worse for yourself, and you just don't want to put yourself through the torment again?

I feel like I have to learn my lessons quickly. The one thing that I really pray and hope for is to be able to put the past behind me - no matter how long and painful it was - and try to be thankful for what I have and use the many opportunutues I've been lucky enough to be given. But it's really really hard.




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