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Re: Lonely but sex hurts alchemy

Posted by Dinah on August 23, 2009, at 8:43:18

In reply to Lonely but sex hurts, posted by alchemy on August 22, 2009, at 14:03:11

I doubt it's as uncommon as each person suffering from it probably thinks it is. I have the same problem.

Without being too graphic, perhaps your gyn can suggest some possible solutions even if she doesn't understand the source. Depending on the type of pain involved there are products on the market that might help, or exercises, or even procedures.

And since this is the Psychology Board, I'd suggest that you speak to a therapist about it. I think doctors tend to underestimate the times that it is a physical problem rather than an emotional one. But particularly if you have a history that might produce issues with sex, a therapist might be able to be helpful. And there are sex therapists who specialize in the issue. If you live in a larger area, there might be people with this specialty. And there are perfectly respectable and legitimate practitioners of sex therapy. I saw a woman therapist briefly who had this specialty, and when my real therapist was again available, we continued for a while with this purpose in mind. She helped some, and gave a few very good suggestions.

But it was my regular therapist who helped most. One day for some reason, we fell into a discussion where we divided sexual activities into four quadrants. The things I enjoyed doing and the things I didn't mind doing on the left side. The things I was willing to do with no real enthusiasm and the things I would do but disliked or found painful on the right side. My therapist's confidence that the things on the left side would be perfectly satisfactory for most men, with brief forays to the right side, gave me enough confidence to bring the idea up with my husband. So now our sex life is better than it ever has been, and although I suppose some of the groundwork was done over the years in therapy and with the sex therapist, I really credit that one conversation.

And finally, while I don't hold much by stereotypes, many women (and more than a few men I'm sure) feel most comfortable in a loving and emotionally intimate relationship. Feeling this type of comfort greatly increases the possibility of feeling physical comfort, given the physiology of sex. Which makes evolutionary sense when you think about it, since birth control is relatively recent. I don't presume to know the circumstances involved, but you don't mention any one special man. Call me old fashioned, but sex is such a very intimate activity, in every sense of the word, I can't imagine that it would be comfortable for me to be that intimate and exposed with someone I was not on intimate terms with.

I hope that helps some. (Also, you might check out a second opinion. It was my fourth or fifth gyn who took me seriously enough to look more closely and find a physical reason for pain.)




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