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Re: Feeling kind of blue (**csa trigger) Garnet71

Posted by antigua3 on August 21, 2009, at 13:17:50

In reply to Re: Feeling kind of blue (**csa trigger) antigua3, posted by Garnet71 on August 21, 2009, at 12:39:56

Thanks Garnet. You're right. Disassociation is at the core of this. In tearing down my defenses, my psychiatrist destroyed a pocket of disassociation that had been a main defense of mine since I was a child. He said that when that pocket integrated with the adult me (through the integration of the young girls), that it dissolved and left me with the memories I'd kept at bay through disassociation. If that makes any sense. It was/is very painful.

Maybe I do have to grieve, but I never want to. It makes me feel like I'm giving in to pity, and I hate pity!

> >Perhaps this process is just beginning for you but you have not yet realize it has already started?

From the responses I've received, yes, I guess I've already started on this new journey. But I have to do it as an adult now and not fall back on feeling like a child anymore. I'm not sure I can do it...

>> I've read one of the most prominent sources of therapy failure is the removal of defenses w/o building new ones timely and appropriately.

Great point. This is exactly the way I feel, but when I discuss this w/my psychiatrist and T, they both point out that I have built new ones already. But, I don't recognize or feel them yet. Maybe because they're so foreign to me?

>> Perhaps your T recognizes this by wanting to slow down? It seems you've recognized the need to slow down as well. Please be cautious - it seems the flood of memories/emotions are overwhelming to you, which is more than understandable.

They both say we should probably slow down because of the overload, but as Daisy says, we can't control how our minds operate. It happens when it happens. And I do understand how my psychiatrist burst the dam to let these things out. I'm not sure he was ready for it either!

>> Not too long ago, a T I tried out dismantled my defenses in 45 minutes, much like Davanloos S/T psychodynamic techniques. I feel I amalgalated with my pre-disassociated state--which was traumatic and scary.

45 minutes? Wow, you're a trusting person. Took me years and years, but I do know that you feel like you were tricked in a way to let everything out. I'm sorry about that and hope your new T will be much more helpful.


>>I bet you are at the rebuilding stage and the energy you need to build new defenses will come back. I guess too that you are already starting to do this-but don't recognize it yet.

You're right.

>> New beginnings, while painful and scary, are an opportunity and can be beautiful--this is your new beginning.

I'm trying to look at it that way--it's a new beginning and an opportunity to be the person I was meant to be. I guess the idea of making changes in my life is the scariest thought of all, but I'm not going to make any major changes until I've been rewired and my new defenses have been reinforced through the care of my T.

Thank you so much,
antigua

 

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