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Re: Feeling kind of blue (**csa trigger) Daisym

Posted by antigua3 on August 20, 2009, at 13:26:35

In reply to Re: Feeling kind of blue (**csa trigger), posted by Daisym on August 20, 2009, at 12:47:18

Thanks for all of your supportive comments, and I'm sorry your session on Tuesday was so hard. I wish I could do that--sob and let it all out, but I still feel like I have to maintain control even in the face of knowing that keeping control led me to repress so many things. Aaah, there's one last unhealthy coping mechanism.

I have cried a little, but I want to let it out all out and it won't come.

It's funny, but I don't ask Why? or Where was everyone? anymore. It just was the way it was, but I realize I'm not dealing with the anger that these questions bring forth that I keep denying.

So I guess I'm not at the bottom of my faulty defense mechanisms. Thanks for pointing that out!

You sound like my psychiatrist :). He says to let it go, to not obsess over it, which is good advice, but it's still hard to do until I can really process it.

I don't think about it as much anymore even though it is still all so new. I do find that I'm living more in the present now, although I still have to consciously work on it and recognize when I'm triggered. For example, I was in an art gallery last week and while it was crowded and that bothered me, I almost went into a full-blown panic attack. I was able to stop it, but I have no idea what triggered it. Maybe it was just sensory overload.

The good thing is that there are no more secrets. I've even told my husband (and my mother), but not the details; he doesn't need to know that, but being able to just tell him I'm having a bad day has made a huge difference.

You're right about how I feel about my children. (Hmm, just got back from a trip visiting the oldest; wonder if that has anything to do with this). I couldn't have raised them without my T and I'm forever grateful--raising them is what we did between all the other important stuff that took years to dribble out.

I am still here, but I don't know WHO I am anymore, but if I can gather the strength, I can do this, I know that. It's just so painful. I doubt everything about the world that I thought to be true, although I quickly recognize that's black and white thinking, which I'm a master at.

I wish I was a gardener, but maybe if I look at it from a writer's point of view--of sculpting new words and images--than maybe I can do it. Now that I know things, I want to go back and rewrite so much, but that would be wrong, really; it's more interesting to see things as they were, how I viewed things, before I knew.

The funniest thing I've discovered is that some of my writing foretold of things to come. I can see it now, but when writing I had absolutely no idea where these thoughts/images, etc. came from, but I can see it so clearly now.

Hang in there, Daisy, you're doing great work.
antigua

 

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