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Feeling kind of blue (**csa trigger)

Posted by antigua3 on August 20, 2009, at 12:05:50

Be careful of what you wish for. Sometimes it isn't what you expected at all.

At least that's me.

I've been in therapy for 19 years, trying to figure out what the underyling fear and terror is that has been with me as long as I can remember and has kept me from leading a healthy, productive life. Why have I always been so afraid to even reach for my dreams?

I tried everything I could think of--psychotherapy (which I still do), CBT (which has been very helpful), EMDR (good for experiencing traumatic events in the moment, like flashbacks but calmer for me) and even hypnotism (only helped me to develop good mediation and self-soothing techniques, which was great).

I learned to recognize the two little girls inside of me and have worked to separate and understand the issues that made them become who they were and what purpose they have served in my life. Unfortunately, for the most part they are gone, which means that I've integrated them, but I miss the beautiful things they offered me. I'm glad to be rid of their pain and anger, but I feel like I've lost so much by integrating them. I recognize that they are a part of me, but all I really feel is loss. They were such a strong defense mechanism for me from knowing, and I understand why this has happened, but I don't feel like me anymore.

But as my T says, the mind will only let you know when you are ready. I was so frustrated because I've been thinking I was ready for years. I've always been in such a hurry.

The last six weeks have been h*ll. Over the years I've slowly learned about the things I experienced as a child, and it hasn't been pretty, but I still hadn't gotten to the bottom of what feels like an bottomless barrel.

In the last six weeks or so, I have been flooded by flashbacks that are unimaginable to me--I still find it very hard to believe that these things happened to me, but in my heart and body, I know that these things are true.

If I'm not at the bottom, I don't know what I'll do. Is there more to know? I have a vision of something that I keep pushing away because I can't handle knowing anything more right now.

I don't know who I am anymore. That's my problem. I've been stripped bare. All my defense mechanisms are gone, the ones I used to build a false life, a life of lies really, so that I could survive.

I've been shattered into a million pieces and don't know how to rebuild myself, when all I've known are faulty ways of thinking and I've never seen the world clearly. The mirror is in so many pieces and it's so easy for my therapist and psychiatrist to tell me I have to rebuild myself when I built my life on lies--about myself, about my parents and the life I've built.

Does anyone understand this? How can I rebuild when I feel so shattered? I don't have the energy.

My therapist reminded me that I do have two large pieces to start the rebuilding: I am a good mother and wife. That helps a bit, but I feel like a young child who has to learn to walk all over again. But I'm not a young child anymore. I don't feel that my time is really running out yet, but..

If there's anymore to learn, I'm just going to die. Have I found the answer I've been looking for? I think so, but I really don't know. I don't know if I've reached the end of what my mind can handle, but I'm not seeking it anymore. It's too hard. My T and pdoc think maybe we've been going too fast and that's why all these things burst forth, but as I've already said, I'm too impatient and I guess my mind felt safe enough for me to know. But it's so hard--so hard to get my mind around all of this.

I've already crumbled and don't have the energy to start over.

It's not that I'm depressed, really. My legs have been cut out from under me and I'm just floating, with no anchor anymore.

19 years and I'm really a child again. I don't regret what I know now; I'm glad to understand why so much of my thinking has been wrong over the years, and the insights have been extraordinary.

I guess I just didn't expect it to hurt so much, or to leave me feeling so hopeless.





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