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Re: I made it through vacation TherapyGirl

Posted by Dinah on August 17, 2009, at 11:34:45

In reply to Re: I made it through vacation Dinah, posted by TherapyGirl on August 17, 2009, at 7:01:32

He was late, which left me a bit worried he forgot since it's not our regular time or place. But once he got there, he was in good spirits, didn't once say that he was sorry to return. He was sorry to discover that next week was the week he'll be gone for half the week, because he said he preferred the stability of our regular times.

He was happy that I was able to hold him in my mind, and happy that I didn't feel a need to call him. But not in a bad way. More in an "I'm glad you're doing well" way.

I think I'm probably protecting myself by shutting down a bit. I wasn't fully emotionally present. He was gone, he's going again next week, I think I'm keeping whatever protective barriers I have up. Not consciously. I wonder why every time I do that, I think that this time it must mean I'm all "better". Then once he gets back, I realize that I'm just separating my emotional self from my operating self. I don't think I'll really be "better" until I can stay whole and still be ok.

Yesterday morning my little dog jumped out of my hands as I was lowering him to the ground, which he never ever does. I lost hold of him and even though he was only a foot or two from the ground, because he was jumping forward he flipped over and took a good whack on the head that knocked him senseless. It through me back over twenty years to the death of my beloved love of my life when I accidentally knocked her off the bed. He was limp like she was. I went into hysterics, and my husband just was no help at all. I usually handle dog emergencies and instead of taking the dog from me and bringing him to the vet like I was asking him to do, because I was hysterical just feeling him, never mind driving, he kept trying to calm me down. By the time I had gotten him to take the little guy, he had lifted his head and was standing shakily and walking a bit. Once I realized I hadn't killed him, like I did the other one, I calmed down enough to bring him to the vets. He's ok now, and they found that he had a low grade infection for a while now and had lost a lot of weight. They kept him overnight for observation and tests, but I'm going to pick him up now. I knew he had gotten skinny since his sister died. But not that he had gotten that skinny.

It was such a traumatic moment. My husband was irritably wondering why my therapist hadn't fixed me by now, and I pointed out that I didn't kill dogs often enough for me to have worked on the issue with him. My therapist said it was perfectly normal under the circumstances to mix my feelings and reactions this time with the ones I had at such a traumatic time.

But... I got through it. And without him.




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