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Re: nothing since my last post... Dinah

Posted by peddidle on August 14, 2009, at 22:31:11

In reply to Re: nothing since my last post... peddidle, posted by Dinah on August 14, 2009, at 20:37:25

> When my therapist was gone and I wasn't sure what would happen, he promised that we could keep in contact by email.

**Yup, she told me to email her. But, at first, I was worried about using up my "email points" with her-- I didn't want to send so many emails that she would get annoyed and just ignore them and just see them as "oh, another email from [Peddidle]." So, I sent a few emails in June, and I haven't sent any since. Oh, and I called and left a message before one of those emails-- she didn't call back, but she did email me to tell me she got the message. I think I mentioned that in my first post at the top of the page, or maybe it's on the previous page at this point.

> Yet I discovered I was a lot better not hearing from him. No matter how much it hurt and how much I thought about him, I would achieve enough equilibrium to go about my life. Every time I wrote to him, or every time I heard from him, that equilibrium was shaken and I'd fall apart.


> It sounds as if she's very firm in what she can and can't offer you. If you think contacting her would bring peace in the relationship it might be worthwhile. But I'd think it through first. My experience is that once the message is sent, my whole being would be focused on wondering about the response. And once the response came, I'd be caught up in the disappointment of it not being what I would like. Overall, for me, it wasn't worth it.

**That's definitely my experience, too, with every email I send her. I've been thinking it through, but the more I think about it, the more I want to send it, but I still don't know if I *want* to send it. (side-note: That sentence is ridiculous, but that's why I love babble-- I know you understand exactly what I mean, even though it makes little to no sense whatsoever.) I can't decide what's worse-- my head spinning with all the things I want to talk to her about, just wanting to hear her voice, wanting to SEE her, all the wishful thinking associated with that, writing it all down, and thinking about whether I should just stick with what I'm doing, or if contacting her will somehow get me out of this tangled mess or if it will just create more knots. I just don't know. That's why I started with just writing the email, and letting it marinate for a while. But, it's still sitting there, and it's fairly long at this point, though I've certainly sent her longer ones. When I first started the email, I wrote that I had been avoiding/trying not to email her, and I thought I had been doing OK with it, because had been like a month since I last emailed her. Now, that section has evolved into just talking about how I had been trying not to email her because I could take a hint, and I thought that's what I needed to do. So, I guess at this point I can honestly tell her that I have been actively trying not to email her. Maybe if she sees how hard I've been trying with this, she'll agree that some of the reasons why she said she wouldn't see me aren't a problem anymore. False hope... I don't know if I should keep going like this, no matter how much it hurts, or risk rocking the boat...




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