Psycho-Babble Psychology | about psychological treatments | Framed
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I just wish...

Posted by 10derHeart on August 14, 2009, at 17:24:17

..I could somehow carry my T. around in my pocket, in some little container or something.

Something that held little doses of his attention and kindness and gentleness and humor. I could have a dose any time, and it would never run out.
And "taking" some would feel exactly like talking with him.


It's never enough. Even though we are a couple thousand of miles apart and only speak on the phone every two weeks, we are so connected. By frequent emails, mostly. But also by.....shared things over the years. He told me back in June he can't recall ever be so connected to a client before, and that it was different, but he thinks, a good thing. He gets how as much as I want it, and think it's healing to me overall, at the same time, it hurts like the devil, too.

He took a day off today. He was thoughtful enough to mention it yesterday, as he knows on Fridays I tend to try to get him to answer an email so I can have something to hold onto over the weekend. Seems so ridiculous, it's only two days or so, but I still do it. He knows it and I know it. I thanked him for thinking of telling me about a day off, but I....really...don't like it. I need him in his office, in my mind's eye, every day (M-F) of every week, to feel settled.

I feel unsettled. I can't even convince myself it's great for his self-care to take a day off. I know it's true, rationally. But the littler me inside wants to stamp my foot... It's so weird, I mean, I don't want him at work for the possibility of an email response. That doesn't even matter so much. I want him there...just because. To keep everything "right" and "the same" all the time. Even though I certainly know that isn't how life is.

I don't know what I mean. Or why I decided to post just now. Can't tell anyone else this stuff, is the main thing, I guess.

I don't want to come off whiny and ungrateful. I've been reading posts here for 5 years. So many need so much more, and can't get it for various reasons. I know I am incredibly blessed to have a T. who doesn't talk about termination and leaves that open-ended, is willing to give me long-distance therapy by phone, fiercely defends the idea that the relationship itself *is* the therapy, and is more than willing to supplement our phone sessions with email, the best he can manage. I know there are posters who would almost give anything to have just some of those things. I know what I have.

But the relationship itself still breeds so much longing and frustration. It's hard to take some days. I guess this is just one of those days. I miss him and all my little tricks and soothing objects and whatever, don't cut it.




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Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

poster:10derHeart thread:912133