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Re: Disappointment or Relief?

Posted by antigua3 on August 10, 2009, at 18:35:06

In reply to Re: Disappointment or Relief? antigua3, posted by fleeting flutterby on August 10, 2009, at 14:06:44

flutterby-mandy--thank you so much. You've given me some new things to think about.

> I can so relate. Yea, when I'm upset and have to speak to her, it turns into something about her or she denies everything I've just said, that took me months/years to get the courage to say....*sigh*..... yea, it's a tough place to be, I'm sorry.
>
Yep, that's my mother, and it is a tough place when you've been a weak person who constantly covers hate with love. I can hear my psychiatrist suggesting that I look at the "gray" area and I'm really trying. It wouldn't be so tortuous if I could do that. But why do I have to love her so much? It's the same with my father. I layered love over hate so I didn't have to hate him. I still don't, really, except I do hate what he did to me.

> I find it interesting that the first time you talked to her-- about your dad-- she was somewhat supportive. and then when asked by your psychiatrist if you would talk to her about these other things you replied, "no way"-- it's almost as if you already figured how she would react.
>
I think, stupidly of course, that I didn't want to inflict any more pain on her, but it didn't seem to faze her. She has a funny way at looking at the world, and I see now that it's always about her; she can't see/or chooses not to see that everything isn't about her. For God's sake, I wasn't blaming her for what happened--that's what I thought it would sound like when it came out, even though I said flat out that I wasn't blaming her. She just conveniently took herself out of the equation and turned it back on me.

> I suppose-- in answer to your question "Disappointment or Relief?"-- you could possibly feel both-- you think?

Absolutely, I feel both ways, but right now I feel so very, very alone with all of this. I know that after seeing her provokes intense feelings, but this time it's different. Maybe worse because I told her the worst and she wasn't helpful. I'm mad that I just blurted it out; I really didn't intend on doing that, but that's just how it happened. Given the argument we were kind of having, I think I wanted to hurt her, to get some sort of satisfaction. Isn't that a horrible way to be?
>
> not sure if this would be helpful for you-- but I've found a bit of solace in finding out what a wounded woman my mother really is.

I know what a wounded person she is; I've protected her for years. But when she is deliberately hurtful to me, one of two children she has who treat her like a queen, I just don't get it. She's just so selfish, and when she admitted why she abandoned me at 12, it was for very selfish reasons. Now that I know this, maybe I can put it to rest.

I just feel overwhelmed at the moment. I can't seem to settle down and put my thoughts in any kind of order. I'm being hit by all sides by so many different types of awful feelings and I need to sort them out. And all of this has just made the intensity of the flashbacks so much stronger. I can't seem to escape them, or let them go as I've been advised.

Tomorrow should be interesting as I see both my T and psychiatrist. I kind of feel like they've lied to me. They promised me I wouldn't have to travel this path alone, a path I've never been down before, but I don't feel them with me. I don't feel secure enough to reach out to them. It's like being back in that stage where I think "they're just doing their jobs; they could care less about me." They don't live this every moment of every day so it was stupid to trust them.

Now I really sound pathetic so I'd better stop.

thanks for your kind words flutterby,
antigua

 

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