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Disappointment or Relief?

Posted by antigua3 on August 9, 2009, at 13:36:46

I just spent a week at my mother's. Going there is the most triggering thing/event of my ongoing life. I'm always the "good" girl when inside I feel a lot of hate. I always feel so ambivalent about her. I love her or hate her, but don't ever show the hate. Yes, black and white thinking, but I can't see the gray yet.

In any case, I was a little worried about going because since I'd last seen here, I've had--I don't even really know how many--maybe six or seven major, major flashbacks and have become aware of things that it's inconceivable to me that I never knew about.

My psychiatrist asked me weeks ago (haven't seen him in a month) if I'd ever thought of telling my mother about these experiences and I just told him, "Are you kidding? No way," and folded my hands tight across my chest. The session ended with a discussion of how I could handle telling her, even though I had no intention, but we never worked all the way through it. It was more than thinking through all the possibilities of how she would react; it was about having a "solution" in place when I told her, but I haven't seen him since to find out what he meant by that.

My T thought the flashbacks were too new and I needed more time to sort them out and to not even consider telling my mother at this time. (If my mother had protected me/been the "good" mother, these things probably wouldn't have happened.)

After thinking about what my pdoc said, the thought occurred to me that if I told her these really awful things, I could get comfort from the only person it would matter most--my mother.

I had no intention of telling her these things, but shortly after I arrived--I swear, it was only 20 minutes--due to an argument we kind of had (we never, ever fight), I blurted out what happened to me.

And I didn't get what I wanted. I'm not really surprised or disappointed, truly; as usual, she turned it into it all being about her, etc., etc., and the awful things that have happened to her ("But you weren't 11, Mom, is as far as I could get with her). I tried to hug her twice, to get that comfort, and she didn't really embrace me. Let's say they were half-hearted hugs from a big hugger.

Several years ago, I told my mother that my father had abused me and she was very good about it. I felt she really cared and was sorry, etc. This time around, she wasn't there.

But maybe that's good? Maybe it's a relief to see her more as she is rather than as I imagine or wish for?

Nothing was ever mentioned in the next five days. We had a really great time together, but I always felt the cloud hanging over us.

I usually crash hard after seeing her; I guess keeping up the pretense (even though it doesn't feel like it at the time) takes a whole lot of energy and stuffing of emotions.

It has been really difficult since i got back. I'm a mess. The simple question is why does she act that way? The answer is that she is a complicated, troubled woman and I love her. Residual, passionate love from a child who was abandoned and never got over it.

I don't even know why I'm posting. Maybe because I just needed to write about it. I know I broke the cardinal rule that I should have been prepared for a variety of responses from her, but another part of me just had to blurt it out.
What a lot of things to work on..




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