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Re: letting go Dinah

Posted by alexandra_k on August 9, 2009, at 0:07:32

In reply to Re: letting go alexandra_k, posted by Dinah on August 8, 2009, at 23:26:11

I am continuing to see him. He is the best therapist I've ever seen - or at least we have the best working relationship that I've ever had with a clinician. I'm appreciative that he is working with me and I really am working to push myself to talk about the hard stuff.

But the way I cope with the hard stuff through the week isn't to imagine him being there with me leaning forward feeling the emotion with me. The way I'm starting to cope with the hard stuff through the week is to put it into the bike and the weights and then... Feel the endorphins and feel... Pretty good, actually.

I don't need to hold him in mind. I'm learning to manage my own moods in a way that doesn't require him. Don't get me wrong I'll remember social connections that help me feel better - a nice conversation that I had with one of my work mates, or a nice remark that he made, even, but imagining him... Isn't something that I really do anymore. I know that I'm not an island and I know that social relationships are important to me. But it is about... Diversity. And appreciating the 'small things' like a smile from a stranger or an amusing conversation with someone who I know a lot more.

I'm fine with things that way. I feel... Stronger. Less vulnerable. More dependent on me and less dependent on others. I think... This is the middle ground for me because I really was... Very dependent. I ended up in hospital because I just wanted to curl up and cease to exist because I couldn't get in to see him. I need to have some resilience against that. I can go to the gym and fight for something... Fight to get two circuits in in 30 minutes. Feel competent for having done it... Feel the endorphins flow... I really think... That this represents a change for the better in me.

My back doesn't ache anymore. I can stand on my tip-toes and walk around like that for a while (there, now, my ankles can improve a lot if I work to tone the muscles in my feet). I can balance on one foot. I can touch my toes. I can almost do 3 sets of 10 reps of spine extensions. I can almost do the last set of reps on the last arm weight machine. I can do two laps of rolling hills on setting 5 in 30 minutes. I feel... Stronger.

> If you don't put yourself in a position to be hurt, you won't be in a position to be loved either...

I... Don't think that I need to be loved. Respected - yes. Loved the way I love my friends. Having meaningful conversations about what is hurting me... I have good friends. They hold me in mind intermittently, and I hold them in mind intermittently. I miss them a lot when they aren't around... But they really are more like washing machines than you might suppose with respect to the role they play in my life. Don't get me wrong they are irreplaceable with their quirks... But everyone is irreplaceable in that way... And in that sense they aren't like washing machines... Though I guess even those (of the same model) have their quirks...

I do need to put something into society. More than I'm doing now. I'm not a smily person. I find it hard to smile at strangers. I need to put something more in than I'm doing at present. Medicine seems to be something that I think I'm suited to. Will help me feel better about myself. Will... Be a way of taking care of myself, too.

I know that the hardest thing can be trying to change people. Sometimes... The most helpful is to simply accept and listen rather than to work to change. I think that that is something that I get. I think that that might help me be resilient with respect to burn-out. It isn't about... The power that comes from actually helping. It is more about... The public service you are doing in helping people feel heard. Of course it depends on what you end up doing... Some are more and some are less solution focused. More of less plausibly so, at any rate. Not sure what I'll end up doing... But I do think it will be a personal journey where I will learn a great deal about myself... I'm looking forward to finding out.

 

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