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letting go

Posted by alexandra_k on August 8, 2009, at 8:12:03

things aren't the same. after the mix-up when i didn't get in to see him for a couple months (i didn't know you wanted / needed to see me) things just aren't the same. i don't think things will ever be the same again.

i... trusted him. trusted that he knew how much he meant to me and i trusted him to be careful with that. and he wasn't careful. he either didn't know or he didn't take the appropriate care. so... i'm feeling pretty detached now. still working. still trying to talk about hard stuff. but i don't hold him in mind anymore (like he doesn't hold me in mind) and... i'm doing things to take care of myself because i guess i've realized that if i don't... nobody else is ever going to.

he has stuff i don't. a family that he cares a great deal about. i guess they care a great deal about him too, and that must be nice. i've never really had that in my life. but with that comes some kind of responsibility. and i don't really have those responsibilities either.

people sometimes say 'these are the best years of your life'. typically when you are having the hardest years of your life suffering through high school or whatever. i've become aware, though, that these... really are the best years of my life. i mean, i guess things could get better... but things are actually pretty good.

i mean you think about what it is that womens rights activists campaigned for... a 'room of ones own' and the like. i have freedom now like i'll probably never have again. i can take a couple hours out of my morning and go to the gym. that really does feel like a luxury. that i can just take some time to do that. i don't have to do things for others... sometimes my dissertation feels like it is for my supervisors, really, but it isn't, of course, its really for me. and i can do whatever the f*ck i like. i can go out and get drunk as late as i like. i can come and go as i like. i don't have to answer to anyone. i quite like my life really. people here are friendly and i have more social opportunities than i would ever wish to take up.

and my t... well... i'm grateful that i can see him. but... he just doesn't mean as much to me as he used to. i guess... i let my father go, mostly. and i guess... i let my t go, too. because with that last mix up... well sometimes it is just about facing facts. he doesn't really hold me in mind. he is holding his family in mind. and that is nice for them and all. but as for me... i don't have anyone to hold in mind i don't have anyone to hold me in mind but what i got is freedom. and its about using it to take care of me. building a life that i like. i'm okay by myself, actually. i don't think i want a family, actually. it wouldn't feel natural for me.




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