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Re: Managing a therapeutic relationship pegasus

Posted by Dinah on August 6, 2009, at 11:58:03

In reply to Re: Managing a therapeutic relationship Dinah, posted by pegasus on August 5, 2009, at 13:15:57

> Dinah, I wouldn't be surprised if you were right. I bet some people don't have as much capacity to become attached and/or internalize a T. I imagine that it's probably on a continuum. I guess I'm lucky that it worked out for me. I wish I knew what the variables are that determine whether it'll work. One thing is that I think I'm fortunate to have a lot of good support resources. Even so, it was about all I could take.
> I also have had object constancy problems. And despite the pretty picture I painted in my last post, I have gone back and forth a lot in terms of believing in that relationship, and having my ex-T internalized. But what has improved is that I know that, and I do remind myself of that when I get into the dark side where I think I'm worthless and no one would ever remember or care about me. What I'm able to do now that I couldn't before is say, "Whoa now. That's the black. I want the white. What could be the gray that is probably the truth. That gray is actually pretty good, isn't it?"
> I would think that fourteen years could be considered giving it a decent try. From what you say, though, it sounds to me as though you have internalized your T quite a bit. Maybe not perfectly, but I hear you saying that you are fully aware that he cares about you. I think that awareness is part of it. Maybe not the warmest, fuzziest part. And yet, do you think you could have been so aware of it 14 years ago?
> peg

Fourteen years ago he didn't care about me. Well, not in any more than the most abstract sort of way.

My solution to those feelings was to fight to relationship. He cares about me now not so much because of any wonderful intrinsic qualities I have, but because we've put in time and effort and commitment into building something.

I think I was very lucky in that I didn't really have to battle feelings of worthlessness. Not only was I loved by both my parents, however flawed they may have been otherwise, but I was raised in a religious tradition that emphasized on every level that every child of God was special and worthy of love. I may feel inferior socially, or bad about my looks, or embarrassed about my behavior at times. But my worth was never in question. If it took a while for me to feel that he cared for me, it's mostly because it I was used to the fact that he didn't really.

I think that, for me, the object constancy problems have more to do with the same qualities of my mind that make me so talented at dissociation.

I don't have a *wide* support network. My husband, babble... I don't think I'm close enough with the circle of friends I met at church to consider them a leg on my support stool yet. But the legs I have are relatively sturdy. My marriage is better now than it's ever been. I think my husband is mellowing out, at least a lot of the time. I find myself able to talk to him way more than I used to.

I do agree with you. The grey is wonderful. There are so many shadings and so much richness and depth that are lacking in black or white. It's more greyscale than a flat grey. :)




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