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Re: can't deal (triggers) obsidian

Posted by Garnet71 on August 2, 2009, at 12:27:12

In reply to Re: can't deal (triggers) Garnet71, posted by obsidian on August 2, 2009, at 11:15:52

When I was in a state of emotional distress, and right after telling T about sexual abuse, he was cold and unempathetic and disconnected. I allowed myself to trust him, had a parent/child attachment dynamic with him, so it was rather traumatic. I don't think it's me, per say, but something to do with him. Still, his reaction was disturbing and it really hurt me.

With T, it felt/seemed almost identicial to a situation that happened almost 10 years ago, where my bf-one of the few people I allowed myself to trust and share SA past and other intense emotions--reacted to my emotional distress in a similar way. After being in a relationship with him for some time, I found information and suddenly realized I was only regarded as an 'object' to him. I was shocked and horrified--and he reacted with no empathy or connection to my pain and had no remorse for things he did that knowlingly hurt me. With him, it also had nothing to do with me-he was like this before me and after me. Yet, when you invest your emotions and trust in someone, and after believing them to be safe, it hurts.

I know this all relates to childhood trauma and abuse. But that is all repressed, so in my adult life, I've recently realized these emotions come out only when I feel objectified. SA definitely implies objectification-being viewed an object for sexual gratification rather than a human being with needs and emotions. People who sexually abuse are not thinking of you as a whole person-just a sexual object.

As a young child, I didn't 'deserve' to have my needs met, be protected, nurtured. It was as if I didn't exist as a person to them, but an object who doesn't have feelings or needs.

There is an unhuman element about this that is very disturbing to me-it triggers me. I've been in situations with total strangers or mere acquaintences who showed more caring and emphathy with me in certain situations, and me for them. Except I wouldn't be triggered if a stranger was mean or cold to me if I was upset about something. These emotions seem to be connected only with people who I allowed myself to trust and initially felt safe with.

So PTSD symptoms manifested again. I really need therapy and soon :(




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