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Re: Daisy Daisym

Posted by Dinah on July 31, 2009, at 12:46:00

In reply to Re: Daisy Dinah, posted by Daisym on July 31, 2009, at 0:13:10

> Hi Dinah,
> Thanks for asking.
> My world has been really crazy for more than a few months. The CA budget problems have impacted the work I do - I'm continually amazed at what people will do to kid programs. On top of that, my agency is moving, so more stress as employees squabble about offices and space. Sometimes the anxiety of being responsible for so many people is unbearable.

Ah yes. Louisiana is making major cuts in health services as well. I can't imagine what it's like to have that sort of responsibility. I have avoided responsibility all of my life.

> Therapy continues to be deep and dark. So many parts and pieces and sometimes uncontrollable fear over things that have already happened. I'm back in group and that adds to the angst of individual therapy. Being in a relationship also brings up things that haven't been part of my therapy before. I can't seem to take in that someone cares about me and that I deserve it. I've been slipping, feeling more depressed, which is just stupid because isn't this what everyone wants - to be cared about? The back lash of being treated nicely has been brutal.

You are cared very much by many people, and you deserve every bit of it. And not because of what you do, but because of who you are. You are an immensely love-able person. It's no surprise that people love you.

> Today my therapist asked if my feelings for him are having any impact on my relationship. I didn't know how to answer that. I have deep feelings for my therapist that change from loving "I wish I had a partner like you" feelings to very young, "protect me from the world feelings." Most of the time I keep it all very separate - he is the person I figure it all out with. But I guess I have to consider if wishes get in the way of reality because reality can never be as perfect as the fantasy. But if I say "no" -- no impact -- does that send the message that I don't need him anymore? I hate how complicated I make everything.

No, it doesn't mean that. Your relationship with him does help you navigate the unfamiliar waters of relationship with others. It doesn't mean you are cutting yourself off from relationships with others. Reality is not as good as the fantasy, no. Perhaps I'm lucky that way in that my therapy has a large dose of reality included. But in some ways the reality is better than the fantasy. Cinderella and Snow White and handsome princes fighting off dragons are heady concepts. But fighting and making up and compromising and acceptance and facing obstacles together and limping around them... That can be so much more viscerally satisfying than any fantasy could hope to be.

At the end of my life, I don't want to look back on a series of fantasy relationships. I want to sit in my rocking chair as a very flawed person and look at my very flawed husband and smile over all the things we've gotten through to be there. I may want my therapist there on Tuesdays and Fridays, but that's a separate thing. He will have been the ego glue who helped me to live in that very real and often disappointing world.

> So - there is my update. One of these days i'll be able to write "everything is just great." At least I hope so.

Everything is just great would be wonderful. The best I hope for is "everything is good enough." or "everything is ok." I don't think I'm good at great.




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