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Re: It's nice to feel numb, I admit

Posted by FindingMyDesire on June 8, 2009, at 20:00:38

In reply to It's nice to feel numb, I admit, posted by FindingMyDesire on June 8, 2009, at 13:34:11

Thanks antigua, Dinah, Phillipa, obsidian.

Talked to T just now. I felt pretty numb. I'm sad. I feel like it's all over now. I can never be seen as good or together by her again. I really f-ed up this time. Just talked to my wife too. She is still flipped out at me. And just having a really hard time with everything. We have couple's therapy tonight. My T encouraged me to try to talk about some of the feelings that led me to thinking checking out was my only choice. How do I do that? Couple's T has way more empathy for wife than for me, I'm afraid. I mean she's great. I love her, but tonight it's going to be all about how I abandoned my wife. Again.

I think I just wanted attention. I wanted someone to take care of ME. I'm at a breaking point of some kind.

I just want to crawl back into my hole and just be an obedient partner and just serve her needs and have it all smooth over. I don't want to see my T anymore. She knows too much. She makes me see things I want and can't have and then life feels disappointing. (And in this case I'm not talking about wanting my T.)

I told her I was feeling like I didn't want to see her or face her. She scheduled an extra session for me. lol See how well she knows me? I'm scared.

I feel crazy right now.





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