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Another long'n cause it's more fun than journaling

Posted by FindingMyDesire on June 4, 2009, at 1:05:06

In reply to A (Somewhat) Objective Whiff Of The Transference, posted by FindingMyDesire on June 1, 2009, at 21:08:09

I have no idea why I am finding it easier to post here than write in my own journal lately. I don't think I have ever been this active on this board or taken up this much space - and not usually for this long (unless in a really, major crisis like during the miscarriage). Anyway, I'm curious about that? I'm curious why I want my thoughts to be public right now, even if too long to read. :-)

There is something to it. Possibly relating to the shift that is happening in therapy. And in my relationship with my wife. I didn't fully cycle this time. I mean, I suppose I did but it was different. The worst of it I felt *with* my T. Instead of alone, drunk, on some sidewalk. I did not end up downstairs destroying things that are important to me. I did not stop writing in my journal or here. I did not try to quit therapy as I did just a few weeks ago. I got through this one. I cried, heavily with my T about my wife and about her, my T. I'm sure it's all mixed up together. I know it is. But what's not mixed up is them. My feelings may get all projected and transferred and confounded with real life, fantasy, and projection. But they are separate from that. Well, my T is anyway.

I feel a love letter coming on. Actually, that would be the next part of the phase or cycle usually. A love fest. I go telling my T how totally awesome and incredible she is and how much I feel for her. I want to do that this time too, but I have more information than I did before. I understand myself a little, tiny bit more. On the one hand I feel like avoiding trying to understand it and intellectualize it. I think I will get more out of "the process" if I just let it "unfold." (All these groovy words I learn from her.) But I did get just enough understanding to know that I want to totally give in to the transference and just let it take me over so she can help me sort through it and get to *me*. The other part of me wants to sort through it first and somehow find a way to just hand her the real stuff about her and control the rest. You know, do it right and correctly. I want to be the "smart" patient who gets it all before I get vulnerable and messy about it.

Oh wait, maybe that's really cause I don't want to be made a fool of later. Would she laugh at me someday? "Haha. Remember the time you thought you were in love with me and didn't really know me at all? Haha. That was so funny. Such a silly little phase you were going through. Glad we got beyond that to the real problem."

Hm, wow, I can find my inner critic pretty quickly!

It's like I want to just let go and really DO this. I do. She said it. When leaving me a message - this week I think - when things were super hard for me. She said that part of me really wants to look at the dark feelings and process them - or something like that. She said I wanted to make a change or something. I'm not saying it as well as she did, but basically the message was that the reason I'm not actually fleeing the scene is cause I want to work through this stuff. This yucky, dark, self-loathing, feeling of shame and disgust. (These are my words, of course.)

She is right. She is really right. I trust her. (Yes, please feel free to quote me back to me later when I'm telling her to f*ck off or something.)

Of course, being angry with her is all part of it too. That's the harder one really. It's actually easier to admit that I fantasize about her expressing how much she sees me by making love to me like no other can than it is for me to feel angry in her direction. That strikes me as a little funny, actually. lol

I have therapy tomorrow. I'm hoping to go in there and just BE whatever I am. I am learning that I actually can't *will* myself to be open or vulnerable or whatever. I haven't figured out why I can or can't sometimes. I want to think it's her. I want to think that my T is totally responsible to give me the space and care and permission, perfectly, in that moment to allow me to be me.

Hm. I wonder if I want that from other people in my life who *for sure* can't be expected to provide such things.

Did I mention I love my T? SH*T I just want to shout it with profanities. What does that mean?

I have this "transitional" object. I was thinking it held quit a romantic meaning for me. It does. But, currently it has totally become a childlike attachment thing. I see it now - how I can feel both and how that can be confusing and how *that* can cause shame. I get that one can become aroused through anxiety or just closeness or intimacy with a T. I get that. I wish that were all that was at play here. I really want her. I don't have any delusions about that. I am so very clear on the boundaries and the sexual boundaries don't hurt me. I explore all I want to (finally) in my fantasy world and that is quit nice. When I can talk to her about them it's AWESOME. Somehow I shed layers of shame and it really helps me illustrate so much about me and what I want. But it is so super, super hard to go there (and sexually stimulating). But all of this sexual yearning or arousal during intimacy with her is all wrapped up in my child needing her and wanting her love. Whoa! That's too much.

But that also helps explains for me - or illustrate actually - so much about previous relationships where I pined after someone in total pain and agony. Yearning and wanting and just feeling rejected all of the time. Hm. Sounds a little like childhood hurts more than just being in love with someone while I can't have them (usually because they were straight and I was a lesbian). It's so convenient that my T is straight and I'm a lesbian then, isn't it? Oh, and that she is my *type* totally for real in real life. And now all of these parental parts she seems to be playing - all of these childlike emotions are being stirred up. I get it!!!! That's why I'm having trouble having an adult-adult relationship with my wife!!!!!!!!!!!!! Cause I project all of this SH*T!!!!!! I'm not being critical right now, actually. I'm just seeing some of it so clearly - out of my peripheral vision anyway. Journaling and writing helps so much. But right now I don't think I should be overthinking it. And I think I am. I think I'm trying to control it.

I'm afraid of being too much. I think that's my biggest verbal and conscious fear. I'm sure there are ones below that one, but that's the one I have identified. I'll be too much and then she will reject me. Will that happen? I wish I knew what that would look like so I'd know what to avoid.

But right now I trust that it simply won't happen. She won't leave me. I actually FEEL that she cares about me. I can feel it. I want to somehow feel it when I'm with her and I want to express that to her. Somehow it seems like if I can just do that and survive it. If she doesn't then start laughing hysterically at me, call me a fool, and then yank the rug out from under me I will be free(er) somehow. I will know on even another level that I can "trust in this process" as she says. She says it so much I sometimes think she is trying to *will* me to believe it. You can't do that, my dear T. Won't work. *And* it triggers my fear that this is taking too long.

Hm, this week she said something on her message about me feeling like I wanted it to all happen faster and that it takes time. Maybe I should tell her of my fear that she is trying to *will* it to happen to make it go faster.

I think we were on, like, week 6 or something waaaaayyyy back when I started almost 3 years ago when she pointed out to me that it seemed as though I was very concerned about being a good client. I have always denied that. I mean, I have admitted to my very *obvious* need to please others - especially those in authority - and I have expressed my self-critical feelings about how selfish that really is cause it's about gaining their love. So, the thing I think is most valuable is actually the most selfish. Now I'm super disgusting! But, the truth is that I *still* want to be a good client. I want to be her favorite. I want her to love me. I want her to think I'm smart and moving right along and "together." I never want her to see my snot or hear about my bouts of depression/crisis on the basement floor smashing my favorite watch. She can never know about the dark thoughts I have about death. She can never really know how important certain things are to me around my sexuality or gender or photography or having another baby. If she sees these things or knows these things about me, I will never go back in her good graces. She can never really like me again. I'm then nothing.

But, guess what? She has started to see these things! And hear these things! Not all of them. And not always cause I plan to share. Actually, rarely cause I plan to share unless I am writing. I tell her *way* more when I write. It's just happening sometimes somehow. And she hasn't LEFT me yet. I mean, she might be faking it, but it seems like she still cares. And if she's faking it, it will come out soon enough. She can't really expect to fake it for the *years* it's going to take me to do this therapy work. YEARS. A LONG TIME.

Phew. That is one crazy-long post.

I love you Babblers. I am all in the love right now. Thank you so much for just be you and being so authentic and sharing so much and encouraging and supporting each other with so much love. It's inspiring and moving.

Hm. Yes, I do *totally* mean that. I had to be sure cause I'm definitely still in my "I want attention" phase. But it's true. I just have the capacity to express my appreciation right now.





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