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Re: Back to the same yucky place

Posted by Dinah on May 30, 2009, at 9:45:38

In reply to Re: Back to the same yucky place Dinah, posted by Annierose on May 30, 2009, at 9:16:14

> My mom lacked emotional warmth, so when my t is quiet, it feels critical and mean --- not warm and fuzzy. As much as I explain that, she doesn't change. Here lies the problem.

So maybe this is the issue? She won't change. This is who she is. But when she's quiet, she's not being critical and mean, even though she feels critical and mean to you. She's just reacting as who she is. Just as you react in a certain way, and she interprets it in a certain way. But her interpretation is not necessarily correct, and all her pushing you to change won't help you change.

Neither of you will fundamentally change. But what might change is the meaning you assign the other's behavior. So when your therapist is quiet, you can remind yourself that your therapist is not your mother and that she can be warm and loving and quiet because that's her way. And she can accept your anger and recognize that you learned to process anger differently than she did, and she may well be assigning to much weight to your anger. That she's choosing the wrong step in the process as being the point that causes a rupture. Your anger doesn't signify that a rupture has taken place so much as her interpretation of your anger and her response triggers a lot of old feelings in you and that's when the real rupture occurs.

I'm rambling and not sure if I'm making sense.




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