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Re: can't handle the transference blahblahblah

Posted by FindingMyDesire on May 27, 2009, at 21:27:22

In reply to can't handle the transference, posted by blahblahblah on May 26, 2009, at 18:58:36

Dear blahblahblah,
As painful as this is, still, for me - it's my favorite subject! Yay! Not to be cheery about pain...

I have been seeing my T for 2 1/2 years now. I have maternal transference as well as romantic (yes, sexual). It's very complicated and complex all the time. Much of the time it is painful and scary, and sometimes, especially recently, healing. I think I *just* reached a point where I truly believe in this process and get that it really is going somewhere and "working".

I think for a long, long time these are just "moments". I don't think there is really a "thing" that happens that makes it change or get easier. But, I think the moments add up over time.

Now, as to the idea that the feelings get easier/subside/diminish - I can't believe that yet. Everyone says it (including my T) so I'm sure it's true. But my T is HUGE in my life. Like emmanuel98 expressed, my T takes up so much space in my head all day long. I dream about her at night. And now I even fantasize about her. Thoughts of her - and all of my different types of yearning - permeate all of me.

I hurt for her all of the time. I describe it as my palms aching. I can't even tell sometimes what I want from her. I just want *more*. It seems like it's never enough. I'm always trying to find some way to have her express that she cares about me. I get connected and then the next session I feel scared and disconnected.

It's interesting that you say sometimes she seems warm and other times not. I *totally* feel that way about my T. But for me, when I pull out of a pained, yearning place and feel more connected to her for a session I look back to the "cold" time and think maybe it was *me*. That may or may not apply in your case.

I do think all of this helps. Recently my T really showed up for me when I came out of a crisis. I trusted her and really felt that trust fully for the first time ever. I know that it was a risk I was taking to let her in and let her see my real pain, but I couldn't have done it without all of this up-and-down and struggle with her and her "care" for me to build a sense of trust. I don't really understand it all, but I do believe it can work.

I can honestly say I'm not sure I have ever felt that held by someone, ever. (Even though there was no literal holding.)

Now, because it was so incredible and I felt so connected to her and seen and cared for and all of that, I have to struggle to stay with that this week. I'm afraid of losing her again. I'm starting to yearn again. But I want to try to stay with it and not pull back because I'm starting to feel what it's like to be seen in all of that hurt/anger/fear/yearning.

This is super hard stuff. I went from trying to quit therapy two weeks ago cause I felt like I needed too much, and then felt like because she didn't seem to try to stop me that she didn't care - to telling her all about my feelings and my "plan" to get her to prove that she cared. Once I told her that everything seemed to shift. (I honestly think they shifted for me - she is the same - although more attuned to more of me.)

But the heartbreak will continue I'm sure. I can get my heart broken by her in my head all by myself! I hear this stuff takes time. I think each time the cycle happens, healing begins. Over and over until you start to stick for yourself. Or something like that.

I know this is a ramble. I was going to write about this very thing tonight in my journal. I'm trying to psych myself into coming forward with myself when I see my T tomorrow.

blahblahblah, the more you can talk to her about all of this, the better. If you can take a step back and look at your T's responses to you when you talk about this stuff, do you feel supported and like she can be solid - consistent? Does she seem to "handle it?" If so, the more deep feelings around the "heart break" that you can share with her directly, the better. Even though it's HARD, HARD, HARD.

Just my perspective for today.





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