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Re: Oliver broke my heart (Spoilers) Annierose

Posted by Dinah on May 23, 2009, at 10:25:47

In reply to Re: Oliver broke my heart, posted by Annierose on May 23, 2009, at 7:17:23

That is so great about your son! I'm more likely to get mad at Paul, and bring my anger and suspicion to my therapist.

Sadly, I found that segment pretty realistic. I remember being a middle schooler whose home life was turned upside down to a lesser degree than Oliver's, and who was being picked on in school. My reactions weren't necessarily all that helpful to me. Nor did they make much sense to anyone else.

I think Oliver knew all along what Paul probably suspected but that the viewer might not have totally understood until the latest episode. Neither of his parents loved him for who he was.

I have more respect for the Dad. He did want Oliver, I think. But he thought once he got the boy into his own hands, his methods would turn Oliver into someone else. Someone more like him. He realized that wouldn't happen. That Oliver would never be tough, like he was. And he realized that Oliver wasn't really safe with him. That even if he wanted Oliver to live with him, he'd end up being physically abusive. I think it was pretty responsible of him to refuse to allow that danger to exist.

The mother is the one I feel disgust for. She knew that about the dad too, hence her original concerns. But Oliver lost his value as a pawn once the father made it clear he was dating others and was not coming back. And when Oliver started to be ok with staying with his dad, and no longer triangulated with her against his dad, she probably started resenting and hating him. I don't think she ever much liked Oliver either, but if he'd stayed her little boy who loved her not his dad, she might have loved him because he would have reflected her vision of herself back to her eyes.

Neither of his parents are self aware enough even to consider these things. Denial and avoidance is huge on both sides.

He got his taste of being liked and cared for from Paul. And it's clear that it was genuine on Paul's side. Oliver wasn't a number, or one of many patients that he pretended to care about. Paul said early on he wishes he could adopt Oliver. He felt tenderness and protectiveness towards Oliver.

It's too bad that Oliver couldn't have stayed where he was so that Paul could continue to be that one adult he felt safe and nurtured with.

But of course, Paul can't take him into his home. Even if Oliver's parents were ok with it. Oliver is surely not the first child Paul has felt this way about. So Oliver is rejected by everyone. And he really is. He's not imagining it. His mother says "Are you asking me to give up everything I care about?" Paul wouldn't take him in even if he could. His total loss is real, not imaginary, and if I were him I'd be sure never to let anyone get that close to me again.

Oliver is lacking in outer fight, but I'm not sure he's lacking in inner fight. In his own mind, he's doing what he needs to do to get what he needs and to survive. It may not be logical or sensible, any more than what I did was logical or sensible.

I wish I could adopt Oliver. :(

The funny thing is that Oliver is likely right. He'd have been better off not ever seeing Paul. His instincts were right on. In order to survive in that nutty environment, he needed to triangulate with Mom against Dad. He probably never thought about it, and he'd never experienced real caring. Paul changed the dynamic in a way that would be healthy if his parents weren't who they were. But probably weren't in Oliver's best interests given the actual circumstances.

 

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poster:Dinah thread:897123
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090515/msgs/897236.html