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Re: AAACCCCKKKKKKK!!!!! Sorry everyone for craziness! FindingMyDesire

Posted by workinprogress on May 20, 2009, at 10:38:48

In reply to AAACCCCKKKKKKK!!!!! Sorry everyone for craziness!, posted by FindingMyDesire on May 20, 2009, at 4:34:03

I don't think you're crazy. And I think you're right about posting and how it's different from journaling. You were trying to find a coping mechanism to not feel so alone in your pain. Reaching out to us is good. And you aren't alone, but unfortunately you had to wait to get a response and that was probably hard and disappointing.

I also think what happened, in the series of postings is that you wound up- and as my T would say, flooded. It is a pattern I repeated endlessly when I was feeling so much like you are now. Basically I was trying not to need her and not to hurt and trying so hard to hold back the feelings that I just flooded and then couldn't function. I couldn't think. I couldn't do what she had told me about my feelings- think about my feelings and feel about my thoughts. And know, that feelings are like the weather, they will pass and change.

Another thing I noticed in your post is that you feel like a baby. That is so HARD, because we're always told that is bad, immature, etc. My T always said I think it is very brave of you to allow yourself to be small with me. I'm not sure how she said it, but basically she said it like it was a goal, to trust her enough to be ok with feeling small, to let myself be small with her and need her. Now I'm sure some would take great issue with that, but again, it worked for me. I very often have my need to feel small with her days. The days when I want to curl up in her lap. I know it's easier said than done, but now I can let myself have that feeling and know there's nothing wrong with me and it is so much more calm than the flooding cycle I went through before. And it doesn't hurt AT ALL- on the contrary, it's comforting. But it used to hurt just like you described up there.

Of course, you are different and so is your T. But, I would say, it's ok and good for you to need and want to attach to someone and your T should be the right one to do it with. So, I really encourage you to talk to her about all of this. Did you mention much of it last week?

Also, I used to get an earlier/another appointment when things go really intense. It's hard to ask for that though. But when I did she validated it. And lastly, I spent so many pages of my journal talking about "too much" and "too needy". FMD- everybody has needs. It's ok to need. And that's exactly what my T told me over and over. AND- I finally don't feel "too much" or "too needy" ... even though I call my T and leave a message (rambly usually) EVERY night.

That fear of being "too much" or "too needy" and crossing boundaries and angering my T was huge. Opening up the door to talk about my fear of that was what really started the conversation going and it was where I first began to trust her.

Please talk to her as much as you can. Tell her what you're afraid of... even if you don't tell her your other feelings.

Hang in there...





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